Sidetracked

So I totally forgot to update the blog last night. I was a little sidetracked (more than usual even).

Last night I was pre-occupied with helping a friend and, shall we say, exploring new territory. The friend has been helped and his life is rolling along perfectly which makes me happy. I love for my friends to be happy. I'm a natural born meddler, so anytime I can meddle and get away with it is bonus! So now, we have to work on my life which is where the new territory comes in.

Yep, you guessed it. It's all about Mr. Charming. We're still e-mailing back and forth, and it has taken quite the unexpected turn. Seems he is interested in a serious relationship. And not just any serious relationship. He's interested in a serious relationship with yours truly. What?

I KNOW!

No one is more surprised than me. Please, I know, I know, I know what you are thinking. But listen, here's the thing. I have not lost my head. I am well aware that I am a relative newcomer to the widowhood thing (I swear I hate that word). Trust me, I am in no way finished grieving or anywhere remotely ready to move on. But come on, I'm only flesh and blood. I have a heart. It's broken at the moment, but I still have one. So when his FIRST e-mail last night ended with "Sweet Dreams Princess", well my little black heart melted into the floor and dissolved into a puddle. Wouldn't yours? I don't know any woman on the planet who wouldn't die for words like that. Ok, well, it could be just me. Seriously, he knows how to play to win that's for sure.

So I sat there with his e-mail open for TWO HOURS trying to think of what to say and how to say it. He knows that J died, but he didn't know how recent it has been. I figured I owed him the truth. That way he could run away screaming before one of us gets a broken heart. I told him that I wasn't past it and that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I told him that my heart is broken and that I honestly had no expectations other than friendship.

When I got his SECOND e-mail last night, I was shocked to find that he is perfectly willing to wait around for me. He's in no hurry. He said that all this is very heavy stuff. It takes time to sort it all out, and for me to take all the time I need.

OMG. Now what?

OMG again. I just got another e-mail this very second. I swear I might not be able to keep my head out of the clouds for very long. This email was lighter in tone - not so serious, and really funny in a dorky kind of way. I'm such a sucker for the dorky guys of the world. I don't know why, but that's how it is. But the worst of it is, he sent me MUSIC video links from YOU TUBE. SHUT UP!

What do I do every single freaking night? I am either on You Tube with the hairbrush karaoke or I am on here shoving videos in your face (sometimes both). I swear nothing - absolutely nothing - could get to my heart more than this. Not flowers, not the perfect purse, not cute little kitty-cats - NOTHING else goes straight for my heart more than You Tube Music videos. Are you out there reading this Mr. Charming? Cause this is huge. Big brownie points for you tonight with extra credit.

And it gets better. He said the magic word. I think I am the only person on the planet who has an actual magic word. J gave it to me. We wrote our wedding vows around it even. We had a business named for the magic word. It was how we tried to live our lives together. And Mr. Charming said it, and talked about it. (No, I'm not telling it here because it was between J and me and now Mr. Charming and me. And no it's not dirty, you gutter minds.) It's kind of sacred to me. No, it is NOT "love" either. It has nothing to do with feelings at all. And he said it and talked about it in the email. Maybe J has come back in someone else's body? Can that happen? Wouldn't that be weird, but amazingly awesome at the same time? Listen, if anybody could pull it off, it would be my J. I'm cracking up, right?

This actually might be worse than being alone and grieving. Because I have no idea what to do now. Is it possible that someone could just show up and be just right? I am more than freaking out. I need a big, humongous think on this one. I'm still taking my time, but man, I don't know. How can you not be looking at all and then this? Maybe it's just the loneliness and the grief talking.

This friend of mine wrote this on a letter to me recently. "One day you will look up, and someone will be there. You'll say he's not J, but he's wonderful."

I think I'm going to crawl back out on the ledge. Seems like it might be safer out there for awhile.

I think I should call the shrink and get an emergency appointment, don't you?

If J gets to come back as Mr. Charming, could I please come back as Shirley Manson? That would be my ultimate reincarnation.

WTH kind of music do I put out there tonight? I'm not giving you the music he sent to me cause he sent it to me and not the universe. I'm kind of protective like that.