Happy Belated Thanksgiving...

What a week!

I've been sick since last friday with something horrible, so Monday I spent the ENTIRE day at the doctor's office (10 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. ridiculous). Found out that I had bronchitis that was trying to turn into pneumonia and my lungs were not completely inflated. So they gave me a breathing treatment and sent me home with an inhaler, cough syrup that knocks me out flat, and antibiotics. Not having your lungs completely inflated hurts like hell.

I was still sick tuesday and feeling better wednesday, but still weak and drugged out from the cough syrup and still really sore. I can breathe again. FINALLY!

Yesterday was the day of my first date with Mr. Charming. I was not about to miss that no matter how sick I am. Even if I had been in an iron lung, I would have dragged it out of the hospital for our date. I'm not spilling all the details because that's between him and me. But I had a wonderful time. He did too. He was certainly smiling the whole time (and no, not because of THAT get your minds out of the gutter). Mr. C is a gentleman. He was very sweet, very funny, easy to talk to, maybe a little bit shyer in person than he has been on the phone. But overall it was a great date. I had to meet him in another town to save him 3 hours of driving to come here to my town. He was on his way to see his parents for Thanksgiving.

So when I got home last night, he texted me to see if I made it home safely and to tell me he had a great time. :-) Sigh. Swoon. And of course, he signed it "Luv J" (yes, I know. He's J too.) He even brought his camera, and we got some random lady to take our photo together. He's thoughtful too. Sigh. :-)

Anyway, I am paying for it today by feeling like crap again. So I'll take my meds and go back to bed and dream sweet dreams.

But I do have to say that last night once I was alone here in the house, I had a major meltdown from missing my J (my late husband). It was our first Thanksgiving apart in 20 years. I'm so thankful for him and so thankful that Mr. C gave me a happy Thanksgiving memory yesterday.

Life is really, really strange.

We were listening to this yesterday in the car...

What am I doing up???

Seriously. I have a 99.1 degree fever. I can't breathe. My throat is killing me, and my ears are plugged up.

Would you like some cheese with my whine? lol

So I'm hardly here any more because I am either:

1. Driving the Car of Rage
2. At Work
3. On the phone with Mr. Charming
4. On Facebook (my newest obsession)

The Car of Rage is ready for its first servicing. I'm a little scared. No one has ever worked on my car before. I hope they are nice people. She has a little bit of a temper and will bite if crossed. Just saying.

Work is work. I love my job. I wish I had a window, then it would be perfect. Despite it being umpteen below zero outside today, I had fun with my co-workers out working on the Habitat house. You guys RAWK! And I love you all!

Mr. Charming. Oh, Mr. Charming. Sigh. Swoon. I think I might could seriously love that boy. Did I just say that? Yikes, I think I did. I think I might seriously mean it too. He said it first. We have our first real date on Thanksgiving day. I HAVE to be over this cold by then. Wish me luck! Cause I am so going to hell for having a date this soon and for saying that I might could love him. I SWEAR that I am not being disrespetful to my J. No one will ever take J's place. No one ever could. But it's like this. One day you meet someone and you say "He's not J, but he's pretty dang wonderful." So go ahead and judge away. I wasn't out looking for Mr. C. We just stumbled on each other.

So those of you without sin can cast the first stone. And if you got a second chance to be happy, wouldn't you take it?

Facebook was invented by God, I'm sure. I have re-connected with so many people through it! I have the most freaking amazing bunch of friends on the planet! I love them so much! It's good to see the old friends popping up and just getting to know the new ones better. Facebook makes me a happy camper - even while being pummeled by virtual snowballs.

Life is getting better. I never thought I could go out and make a new one that I liked, but so far I really do. The only thing I would change is to be busier on the weekends. But I'm working on it.

Ok, I swear to you. This is THE BEST song ever written. I know I've said that before, but seriously, this is an AMAZING song. You will love it for sure. You just have to.

Marking Another Sadiversary....

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my dear friend S.

Yes, I really did lose two dear friends just two days apart. M's death was after a long illness, but S's death was like my J's - sudden and very much unexpected.

S was one of those people who lived every minute of her life. She was like a beautiful light brilliantly shining. She was one of those people who blew into the room like a tornado and then took over. She was bigger than life - loud, brassy, jolly, always in a hurry. She just swept you up in her wind and carried you away - kicking and screaming sometimes. LOL

I met S at work. She would bring me ads to design and with a flourish of her hand (on the way out the door) she'd say "Oh L, just make it spectacular!" She drove me up the wall with wanting starbursts on everything, making everything BIGGER, BOLDER, and the overuse of the font "Aachen" (which she always called "aching"). She was the BEST salesperson ever. I swear she could sell ice in the Arctic. I always promised her that if I ever won the lottery that I would hire her a full-time assistant to handle all the details. Then she could just do what she did best - mainly being herself.

At her memorial, people got up to speak about her. She had touched so many people and so many lives and gave so much to everyone without saying a word about it.

Everyone should have a larger than life friend like S.

The world is a lesser place because of your absence, S. God Bless your sons, your grandbaby, and your beloved K. It's been a tough day without you.

This is what you left us with S. I won't ever forget all the times you came in singing it or told me not to forget what it says. I won't ever forget.

In Memory of a Dear Friend

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of our dear friend, M.

M was truly a great guy. He was J's college roommate. He was also the minister at our wedding. I don't think I ever thanked him for officially hitching us up. I wish I had. Hopefully he knows.

M, I will never forget all the softball games, trivial pursuit nights, walking around the Opryland Hotel until our feet were falling off, hearing you sing Debbie Gibson songs, Dan Fogelberg and James Taylor at Starwood, all those amazing classes you taught, seeing your photo of the Jordan "ditch" and hearing all about Masada, the day you showed me around, the big smile you had on your face from knowing that I was going to be the one to marry J, the mercy job at the library you helped me get and a million other things that would take years to mention here.

I know you were there to meet J first thing in eternity. I know you two are having a great time together. I don't worry about my J so much knowing that he has his dear friend there with him. Please, put in some good words up there for your S. She's doing well, but she really, really needs some help right now. Pull some strings if you can. Your sons need her to stay here. They can't lose their Mom too. And I don't want to lose another friend. I'm really afraid for them all.

We all miss you on this sadiversary,
L

In memory, one of M's favorite songs to sing along with:

Mr. C strikes again...

Oh come on. You knew it would happen. I knew it would.

Mr. C struck again. He is on the road traveling this weekend. I got two texts tonight. Ok, if I had any doubts before about the "Love you" being like love for grandma or the romantic kind of love, I have no doubts any more. It definitely ain't like grandma.

So now what? He'll be here to see me in less than 3 weeks. Can I stay on the roller coaster for three more weeks? Cause I'm sure once we are face-to-face it will either cement things or kill it off. Who knows at this point?

The worst part isn't just that I'm weak, but that the texts caught me in the middle of a teary, romantic old movie (The Enchanted Cottage with Robert Young and Dorothy McGuire). I mean this is a movie that completely reduces me to a puddle. I was sitting there in the big recliner crying my eyes out over how wonderful the movie is when the texts come in right at that exact moment. You know the cosmic karma girl in me thinks it's a sign. You can't fight signs. Signs aren't ever wrong either. They come straight from Heaven - at least that's what I think. I put a lot of stock in signs. Oh mercy.

Somebody should just smack me upside the head. I have no willpower whatsoever.

Stay tuned if you dare. It's going to be a long 3 weeks.

I've had this song in my head all afternoon. I love The Cars, and if Paulina hadn't stolen Rick O'Casek years ago, I would have taken a shot at him. LOL What is it about punky rock guys? I think he's so hot.

Sigh. I will never understand men.

Seriously.

I lived with one for almost 20 years. You would think I'd have some sort of insight into their behaviors or what they think. But I'm just completely clueless.

I haven't been around for awhile becuase of Mr. Charming. Let's go over the situation and see if it clears things up any.

Last week, he called me 4 times. He e-mailed me several times and texted me all throughout the week. One time he called just to hear my voice because he was a little blue. Once he called to remind me to take hearing protection to the Nine Inch Nails concert. We always talk for hours on the phone.

So Tuesday, he calls and leaves me a voicemail. Just before he says bye, he actually says "Love you". So I think, no biggie. It just slipped out. He didn't mean it. Then a few hours later, I get another voicemail, and he says it again. So now, I'm wondering if maybe he means it in a love-you-like-I-love-my-grandma kind of way or if it's the OFFICIAL kind of love. I have no idea.

I asked several people who all said that it's not the grandma kind of love, and that he probably did mean it in the romantic way. At first, I cannot let myself even think this at all, but after the umpteenth person says it, I start to think maybe so. But that was TUESDAY. I haven't heard another peep out of him since Tuesday. I texted him Thursday just to say hi and hope he was having a great day - certainly nothing that I wouldn't normally say. I know he's been busy at work and is traveling this weekend. But to not hear anything at all makes me wonder if he regrets saying that and is letting it settle down for a bit.

I know. My mind is just playing tricks on me. He's probably just been really busy and really tired. But how am I really supposed to know? It worries me. This is all way too serious. And see he actually said "Love you" with the "I" in front of it and in combination with my name a couple of weeks ago. Yes, he actually said "I love you, L." The three words on their own are big, but when he added my name that is FREAKING HUGE. I had no idea what to say at the time.

I know. I'm over-analyzing. But it's just gotten too serious. We should just be having fun. I cannot have my heart broken again. J about broke it into a million pieces when he died. It's barely being held together as it is. The thing is that I really, really like Mr. C a lot. Ok, more than a lot. I don't think it's love, but it could be one day. But if he's just going to hit and run then drop out of sight for awhile, I'm not sure I can put any more effort into him.

I swear. I know I've said that like 50 times over the past month. And I get all determined to just leave him alone, and then he calls and I'm all mush again. I hate that. It's too hard. It was never hard like this with my J. How do you know if it's worth all the wondering and doubting and freaking out?

I think it's only me that's freaking out though. I doubt he is at all. Maybe I should just let it go. I just hate to let it go. I might be wrong. I might let him go and regret it.

J, I would like to just break some dishes on your head for dying and leaving me here to lose my mind.

I get too attached too quickly. I do that with stray dogs (I swear I typed gods again), little kids, stuffed animals, men. You name it. I give my heart away too easily. Maybe it would be easier if Mr. C lived closer? He's so far away. He could be dating 50 people for all I know.

Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh. Wait. It just hit me what the problem is.

I don't trust him. I don't trust what he says or does. Yikes! That's not good. That's not good at all. Oh man. I'm not even sure how to fix that either. I'm not sure if I can have any faith or trust. It feels like jumping off the ledge into the dark.

I think what I need the most is someone who can show me some stability and consistency. I don't feel like he does either at the moment. I think that all comes from everything I've been through because of my J. I'm very insecure and feel like everything is out of control. I need stability right now.

I don't know how I would ever even bring it up in a conversation with Mr. C. I'm not sure there is anyway to talk to him about it. I think it would just sound like nagging, and I am definitely not going to do that. I don't see any way at all to talk about it without sounding demanding or controlling or nagging to him.

So I guess I have two choices:

1. continue on as is with his ups and downs and stay in this constant turmoil that he keeps me in

OR

2. end the relationship and wait for someone who can be stable and consistent.

Maybe I really do know what to do after all. It's just a matter of finding the strength to do it.

Happy Not Daylight Saving Time

I love it when we get to "fall back" an hour. It just feels right.

I missed the Saturday Night Loser's club. Sorry about that. I was chatting on-line with some buds and got busy.

Friday night I went to see Nine Inch Nails in concert. Unbelievable! Amazing! Awesome! I can't even think of words to describe it. Just to see my man, Trent Reznor, live in the flesh. Oh mercy! He could have read the phone book, and I'd have been happy. They played a lot of stuff off "Year Zero" which is my absolute favorite NIN album/halo.

But I have to say that the opening act was ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE! It's a band called "Health". Sorry guys, but that was the worst bunch of crap I've ever heard in my life. We sat there with our fingers in our ears for 35 minutes. It was the longest 35 minutes of my entire life. I was ready to give them $20 just to stop playing. I know it was "experimental" music, but man, at least try to play a song. That was just random noise. The drummer was really good. He beat the drums so hard that you could feel it down in your stomach. The keyboard was just laying on the stage, so the keyboard player had to get down on his hands and knees to play. Then one guy's whole entire job was to act like he was punching the drum set with his fist. Every so often, he would get on the floor and turn some knobs. Not sure what that was about. The one guitar player strummed the same chord over and over and over. He was also the singer (I'm being generous calling him a singer). He basically screamed into the mike the entire time - and not screaming like loud singing. It was screaming like you're being chased by monsters. Anyway, they need to change their name from "Health" cause they were making us all sick. They got boo'd a few times.

I haven't heard from Mr. Charming in a couple of days. He is off having to travel for work and wasn't sure if he would get internet access. But he said he'd call when he got a chance. So hopefully I will hear from him soon. He called 3 times last week, and we spent most of friday afternoon texting back and forth. He was worried on friday about me going to the concert. He texted me to tell me that I should go buy some hearing protection. So sweet! Did I already say this? Maybe I did. I don't know. It's late.

I've been trying to write a "Grief Letter" for a couple of days now. It's so hard. I had no idea even where to start. It's supposed to be a letter that I write and then give out to all my friends and family. It's about how I feel right now and how they can help me. I don't know. I just mostly want to say "Somebody fix this", but I know they can't. If I get it finished, I'll throw it up here for the universe to read too.

Oh well, off to bed with ya. It's very late. No tunes tonight, sorry. I'll try to get back on the tunes soon though.