Saturday Night Loser's Club on Sunday

Sorry, I missed the Saturday Night Loser's Club. Frankly, I was just too depressed to write anything last night.

The grief has been absolutley unbearable the past few days. It's been so bad that I'm starting to feel like I don't want to go on anymore. My life is over. J is gone forever. He's never ever coming back. What's the point? Really? It just doesn't seem to be much point to going on.

There's no one to cook for (not that I can cook in the first place). No one to take care of. Nothing. Just me and the cats and Big W (the dog). I'm so tired of not having anyone to say goodnight to or anyone to say good morning to. No one to just put their arm around me and tell me it will be ok. No one to help decide what to do. No one to fix the dang wireless. I don't know what to do with all this stuff. I can't get rid of it because I feel desperate to keep it, but I can't stand looking at it any more because it's a constant reminder of J.

I think I've cried more in the past 3 days than I've cried in the past 5 months. I thought this was supposed to get easier? What happened to the time makes it better? It's a big fat lie. Time doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. It makes it worse because the shock wears off and then you're just left with the reality.

And that's where I'm at. The reality has set in that J is not coming back. J is dead. And no matter what I do or say, J just keeps on being dead.

And this week won't be any better. Halloween is coming up. J asked me to marry him on Halloween - my favorite holiday. Actually he asked me like at 2 a.m. on Halloween. Then I got my engagement ring later that evening. He had to go buy it first. I remember I went to my favorite store and bought this pink sweater that was so soft. I wanted to look pretty and girly for him that night when I got my ring. J was afraid that I wouldn't like my ring. He thought the diamond was too small, but I never saw anything so beautiful in my whole life. It was perfect. It was perfect because he picked it out and gave it to me. He could have picked any girl on the planet, but he picked me. And I so didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve him. He was too good for me. But for some reason, he loved me anyway.

I wish I had told him thank you. I wish I had been a better wife. I wish I had been a better woman. I wish I could just see him for 5 minutes just to tell him that and that I love him and say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye. I wasn't there with him when he died. One of the most important days of his life, and I missed it. Maybe it was a blessing that I didn't have to see it though. It's hard enough to live through this without the additional burden of having seen him die.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't know how much longer I even want to.

No music tonight.