I'm back

So I haven't written in a very long time - mostly because I've had myself one gigantic pity party for the past 6 months or so. Days go by when I can barely get myself out of bed. Some days I don't even try. I just stay put. I cry all day. I feel like I want to die a lot of the time. I drag myself to work. I put on the happy face for everyone because frankly, I feel like everyone is worn out on me and my grief.

I've grown tired and weary of the online dating thing. I jumped in WAY too quickly. I wasn't emotionally stable enough for that. I was just really, really lonely. All the guys have disappeared - Mr. Charming and whatever it was that I was calling the latest one. The latest one actually ripped my heart out, stomped on it and ground the little fragments into dust. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. And I hung onto him for dear life because it was less painful to be emotionally and verbally abused by someone who cares nothing about me than it was to feel this horrible pain of losing my J and the unbearable loneliness. How sick is that? Maybe not sick? Maybe just survival? I don't know. Anyway, I was not in my right mind because I would NEVER allow someone to treat me that way for even one second. That's not me at all. I let him shred every ounce of my self-esteem. I allowed him to make me feel worthless. I tried to be everything he expected of me, and it STILL wasn't good enough.

Basically, he turned out to be a narcissist. He really only cares about himself. He told me friday night that he was lonely. Boo hoo. Poor him. I sent him an e-mail and told him that the ONLY reason he is lonely is because he chooses to be lonely. He could make another choice - if he really wanted to. And he did what he does best.

He disappeared.

He always disappears whenever I say something he doesn't like or doesn't want to hear. He can't admit he's made mistakes (I sure made my share) because he doesn't think he's made any. He thinks its perfectly fine to treat me any way he wants, but I can't do the same to him. He told me over and over how he could flirt with anyone he wanted to, but that I was not allowed to. And somewhere in my screwed up brain, I started to believe that was the way it should be. I walked on eggshells around him for six months.

Recently, I started coming to my senses. Every person - EVERY person - in my life who knows him, told me to run as far away as I could get. EVERY one says he is abusive and controlling and mean. Why couldn't I see that? The last straw for me was meeting my new friend, D. Don't freak out - he is ONLY a friend. He knew this guy long before he knew me. His exact words to me were "L, he is an arrogant ass." And it was like someone turned on the light finally. This guy who I really respect a lot and who has become a true friend sat me down and told me sincerely how horrible this situation looks to him. And I finally saw it for myself. And I immediately put an end to it.

I run into this guy from time to time online. We have a lot of the same friends. It's a daily struggle to keep myself from emailing him or calling him. So far, I've only e-mailed a couple of times - both were in response to something nasty he had said or done. I need to stop it. I think that's his incentive to keep doing it - he manipulates me into contacting him. So from now on, I just have to kick the wall or scream into my pillow and then NOT email or call him.

In the meantime, while I've fought him off and had my pity party, my life has gone to hell. My family can't stand me. My friends are worn out on me. My grief group thinks I'm flaky. I can barely concentrate at work. My house looks like a herd of pigs have taken up residence inside. I think I have missed paying some bills (which I NEVER do EVER). I stopped exercising and gained some weight back. I quit going to church. Quit praying. Quit studying. I don't do anything but sit and feel sorry for myself.

I'm so tired. I just don't know if I have the energy to pull myself back up out of this. I really don't. I need help getting my life back on track, but I just can't even ask for it. If I ask my family, they will come in like bulldozers and take over, and I will lose control completely of everything. I know that for a fact. That's how my Mom operates. She only knows one way to help and that's to be 100% in control of everything. I can't ask my friends because I'm too embarrassed to let them know how bad it is. I can't get professional help because I just can't.

Rock. Hard place. It sucks.

The second year after death is so much worse than the first year. At least last year, I was walking around in the fog of shock and disbelief. Those have completely worn off now. All I have left is the reality and the heavy burden of knowing that J is gone forever. I'm so sad.

So unbearably sad.

Death sucks.

I'm back...

I've been away quite awhile now. I wound up being very busy with Mr. Descriptive. He was calling every day there for awhile. We would stay on the phone for hours and hours. Neither of us got much sleep. I sure enjoyed his calls, but he's since stopped. It's a long story and maybe I will share it at some point. I don't know. I'm still pretty hurt over him. I actually seriously liked this one - WAY more than I should have. Oh well... as my friend says "NEXT" or "just pick another one". LOL

I started another blog over on another site, but I don't feel quite as free to speak my mind on it cause I know for sure people are following it. This one, I have no idea, so I feel like I can say whatever.

I feel like some whatever kind of music tonight. Can't post this on the other blog. Some of the people would get offended, but I think it's a cool song.

Sigh.

It's been a long weekend. Lots of tears. Missing J really badly.

Talked to Mr. Descriptive tonight. He says "you make it hard NOT to flirt with you". You're so cute."

Sigh. I love boys. I really do.

Enjoy the video.... I love Nirvana. I really do.

She lives...

Well, well. She lives. Yes, she does.

I did survive the raging sinus infection. I've been so remiss in letting the blog just turn into a cobweb-blog site. So let me see if I can catch up on the craziness.

Facebook Stalker/Boyfriend disappeared the week after Valentine's Day. He stopped sending me virtual this's and that's, stopped calling, stopped with the Facebook pokes, etc... For a brief moment, I felt abandoned. You know - in that sick, unbalanced sort of way. I can't imagine why he suddenly doesn't worship me any more. (Seriously, you know I am joking, right? Ok.)

Recently I made a new friend. She's a widow too. We have a lot in common. She's a year older than me, and her husband died the same way that J did (sudden heart attack, only symptom was death. I'm not joking about that. It really was the only symptom. Seems it very common actually.) So my friend, L, is telling me all about this guy who is calling her all the time and e-mailing. The more she talks, the more it starts sounding very familiar.

Well, it should. Turns out that he's MY Facebook Stalker! Now I know what happened. He stopped worshipping me because he found someone else to worship. We both howled uncontrollably when we realized it. He says just about the same things to her that he did to me. The main difference is that he calls her "Honey" where he called me "Sweetie". Must be hard to keep up with all these little nicknames? My guess is that somewhere on Facebook there is a "Darlin", a Sugarpie", a "Cutie", a "Babydoll" and a "Precious". We should start our own Facebook Group. We'll call it "I was stalked by the G man".

So the suh-weet part, is that he has absolutely no idea that L and I even know each other, much less that we are friends. This is going to be a tremendous amount of fun and entertainment. I wonder how long we can torment him until he realizes what's going on? Now, please. Don't sit there in judgement thinking that we are horrible women. This guy thinks he is God's gift to women everywhere, and that he is some kind of big Ladies Man Playah. He could use a healthy dose of reality. Maybe he will stop stalking poor pitiful widows on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, I hate the new format. It's so confusing. Maybe I just need a 12 year old to explain it to me? And while they're at it, could the 12 year old teach me how to use my new cell phone too? And hook up the DVD player? Thanks in advance. Don't you just love that new commercial where this teeny-tiny little girl plugs in her digital camera to the computer, downloads her photos, crops and adjusts them, then e-mails them to Grandma? She says "I'm 4 and a half." Love it, love it! She's adorable and uses techonology better than some of us old folks ever will. Kids are so great.

It has recently come to my attention that I failed to change the time on nearly every clock in my house. But then I went for the entire month of August without opening a single piece of mail. I found the pile in OCTOBER. Grief makes you lose your mind.

I haven't heard a peep out of Mr. Charming. Saw him trolling on the internet the other day.

But all is not lost! A new man has shown up. He is very tall and very...descriptive. We won't go into details, but let's just say he can heat up a room and set the house on fire with the way he talks. I think I need a glass of water just thinking about him. And maybe open a window or two. Seriously.

I don't have much of a good track record with the men I've met in the past few months, but if R has to join the ranks of those who are now just memories, at least his memories will put a smile on my face... and make me need some air!

Enjoy the song today.

I actually did fall off the earth...

I did for at least a little while. I was sick for a week or so with some kind of horrible crud combined with a raging sinus infection and bilateral ear infections (bilateral is courtesy of my fancy grad school education in Audiology - I'm not kidding). I had laryngitis for well over a week too. Took two trips to the doctor and 4 prescriptions to chase it all off. Good times. Good times.

Ah, well, it's been a busy time even though I was on the DL for awhile. Let's see if I can remember it all.

One day while I was home sick, UPS drove up in my driveway and brought me a big box. Couldn't imagine what it was or where it was coming from. When I opened it, it was a dozen beautiful red roses, a red glass vase and a small heart-shaped box of candy. I know what you're thinking, but they weren't from Mr. Charming. No, these were from Facebook Boyfriend. (He's not actually my boyfriend. It's just the name my friends gave him - actually they called him my Facebook Stalker, but I don't feel right about calling him a stalker after he sent flowers and all. I know. That's sort of the definition of a stalker, but still.) He's called several times and e-mailed and texted. This isn't making him sound less of a stalker is it? But anyway, he's very nice, but seriously, the man's life came straight out of "As the World Turns". He's got more baggage than the airport. But it was nice to get flowers for Valentine's day and on a day when I was so sick. We are still just chit-chatting on the phone and on Facebook. Nothing serious.

I actually did hear from Mr. Charming (after a MONTH of nothing at all). He texted me Tuesday morning out of the blue. I sent him one back that said "I think you have the wrong number." A couple of hours later, he called me while I was at work. He's all nice and friendly like everything is fine. (If you remember, the last time I spoke to him, he was in the car with his ex-girlfriend.) He asked me if I was open to talking to him later that night. Said he would call and he did, but I missed it. Haven't heard anything since. My guess is that his attempt to re-unite with ex-girlfriend flopped which is why he called me. Whatever. Next!

Valentine's Day was horrible. I missed J all day long. I tried and tried not to think about it, but I finally just stopped trying and gave into the grief. I cried until I made myself sicker and was really pitiful. I miss him so badly. I still haven't been to the cemetery. I'm afraid to go, but I know I have to at some point. I still have to get a tombstone.

Will this ever get any better or any easier? Am I just going to be sad for the rest of my life? Am I always just going to mark every occasion as another one without my J?

Life sucks. It really really does.

I haven't posted any music for awhile. I guess I'll post this and make whoever happens to read this really sad too. Misery loves company, you know.

I'm disappointed to not find the actual video for this song. At the end, it shows a woman laying red flowers on a grave.

This is a letter to J so just skip on by...

Dear J,

Here I am up at midnight. I can't sleep anymore. I have nightmares about you almost every night. Could you please just visit me in my dreams without scaring me half to death? Could I just see you smiling and happy for once? I haven't had any dreams like that. I'm starting to worry that you're not ok wherever you are. Do you miss me? Is that why you look so unhappy in my dreams?

I think a lot about all the stuff we were going to do and now we won't ever get to. We were supposed to go back to Alaska this year. We were going to put a porch on the house and get to 100 geocache finds and finally get your office the way you wanted it. What about all that stuff J? I can't do it by myself. I don't want to do them with anyone else but you. I miss you. What about sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs when we're 80? You said you were going to start calling me "Maw" when I turned 80. What about our 25th wedding anniversary. You said we'd go back to Charleston for our 2nd honeymoon. What about all that stuff? Are you sad about that stuff too?

I think about death every single day. No, not making it happen. Just that it's such a big part of my life now. Nobody understands. Nobody wants to hear about it any more. They're worn out on it. I'm worn out on it too, but I never get a break from it ever. I feel like I've been picked up and set out in the middle of the desert. Nothing around for miles and miles.

This time last year, you were here and planning your next tv show. Get this. You're getting some kind of award or something tomorrow from the tv station. I'm not going. I didn't know that's why they invited me to the board meeting or I would have said I'd go. It's probably best that I don't go anyway because I'd just cry and make everyone feel bad.

I'll let you know what you get Sweetie. That's really nice of them. They've been very good to me these past 8 months. Dang, I just realized. It will be 8 months exactly tomorrow. Feels like yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time.

I decided that I wasn't ready for all this dating crap. I'd only be looking for you and that's not fair to anybody. I have work, school, friends, and my family and H, K and BW too. I think maybe I'll try to get the house decorated once and for all. Dad hung some of our pictures up for me. I finally got that big metal sculpture thing up on the wall. It only sat in the dining room for 3 years. I completely forgot about January 20th. It slipped right by me. It was our 4th anniversary in this house. I can't believe we've been here 4 years already. Seems like it was just the other day we moved in. I never see S anymore. I don't go over there and look around like we used to. I can't drive by Herbie G. It makes me cry so hard.

What am I supposed to do with our wedding rings? I'm wearing them now, but I guess I can't wear them forever. I should have just let you keep yours on. But for some reason I just had to have it. I still have that stupid bottle of Gatorade in the fridge. Your last one. I can't seem to throw it away. I know it's gross, but it's not moldy or anything. It's your last one. I can't even throw out a stupid Gatorade. Pieces of paper with your handwriting is killing me. I can't throw them away. I feel so guilty for it.

I still have your voicemails. Sometimes I forget they're on there and I'll listen because I got a new one and then your voice comes on. And just for a minute, I am so happy because you left me a voicemail. Then I remember. Sometimes I call up the voicemail just to hear your voice again. I can look at your pictures now. I'm ok with that. I don't know about videos. I was going to watch our wedding tape again, but just looking at the box is too hard right now.

I wish I knew where you are. Everyone says you're in Heaven. I don't know. Seems to me like you're in-between there and here somewhere. I'm in between here and Hell somewhere. Probably closer to Hell than here most days.

It's 12:30 now. I have to be up in 6 hours. I'm late to work every single freaking day. I just can't seem to get myself together. I can't fall asleep and then when I do I can barely wake up. It's like I'm in slow motion all the time. And then I'll be getting ready for work and wind up crying and I gotta stop for that. I hate it.

I gotta go to bed.

I miss you Sweetie all day and night. I love you.

All my love forever,

Mrs

I have a boyfriend apparently

Mr. C is gone. Mr. Plumber turned out to be an immediate fail.

But all is not lost. Please welcome my Facebook Boyfriend to the story.

I'm completely serious. Apparently I have attracted an admirer on Facebook. He sends me dozens of things each day. I get roses, chocolates, teddy bears, jewelry - all kinds of things all day long. He sends me little notes. The other day one had his phone number in it. Who is he? Well, he's a guy I met on a web site.

Oh shut up. Everybody meets people on the internet these days. It's not like I'm on e-harmony or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But being the raging lunatic magnet that I am, you have to know the whole story. This isn't just any guy. This guy is way older. He's really sweet, but he's just not what I'm looking for (of course, what I have come up with so far hasn't been all that great so who I am to judge.) But anyway, he today he sends me something called "Valentine Love". So I innocently click on it to see what it's about. Sneaky little app! It was a picture of two bears hugging and said "Bear Hug". But when I clicked on it, it sent one right back to Facebook Boyfriend. Oh my stars! I'm trying not to encourage him, but this is like digging the hole you're standing in. Now he thinks I'm hugging him back.

So he sends me this thing today that tells more about him. Turns out he's a recovering alcoholic, is manic/depressive, has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and some other condition that I can't remember right off.

My friend, T, asked me if I was going to cut him off. I told her no. What if it caused him to fall off the wagon? I don't want to be responsible for ruining someone's sobriety. Besides, it's the only attention I get these days. It seems harmless enough for now. If it escalates, I'll tell him I have an STD or something to scare him off.

What is it with men these days? My new friend, M, seems to be only meeting men who have ED (you know what it is don't act like you don't) and want to discuss it with her. T is only attracting men who can't eat and talk at the same time because of a throat condition and who send her emails that say nothing else but "checking email". I'm getting the ones who are too lazy to do their taxes or are the poster boys for the DSM 3 manual. I never even got past one e-mail with Mr. Plumber. He is completely terrified that he will commit a sin - any sin, so he's anti-everything. No wonder he's 49 years old and never been married. He probably thinks it's a sin to sit next to your wife in the same building.

Nutcases and freaks. Is that all the choices have come down to? I personally have given up. I'm going to focus on school and on getting my house in order. If I meet someone that's halfway normal, then ok, but I'm done with the freaks.

Maybe getting a dog isn't such a bad idea after all.