I didn't fall off the earth...

although I was sort of hoping to earlier in the week. I had a pretty bad rough patch with the grief. Yesterday was the 5 month mark of J's death. Weird thing is that I didn't even realize it until this morning. I had it in my head that it was today.

Apparently, I am losing my mind. Yesterday, I brushed my teeth three times before I left the house to go to work. In the past two weeks, I've been to Wal-mart three times for shampoo. I bought everything under the sun except shampoo. And then I thought today was the 29th for two days now. So I guess I'm lucky I made it home from work today in one piece.

Then this afternoon I went to work-out. And now I have the WORST headache and the chills. I swear I hope I'm not getting sick. I really don't want that right now. I got too much to do to be sick.

Mr. Charming is being extra wonderful despite having to work crazy long hours. He's working basically 14/15 hours a day. Today he called me in the middle of the day. I had e-mailed him and told him that I hadn't been calling him because I didn't want to disturb him at work. So he calls me today to tell me that I can call him anytime I want and that he never thinks I'm an interruption. He called Tuesday night too. He said he wanted to hear my voice because he had been feeling blue. He said that it was all better now that he was talking to me. Sweetness! We wound up laughing for over an hour just about random stuff like purple tomatoes. He's called 3 times in the past 5 days. And today he said that he wished he could just cancel his family Thanksgiving and stay in town with me the entire Thanksgiving weekend.

Sigh. Me too.

I went back to the Grief Support group. It was good. I actually felt better this time. Last week, I felt like crap afterwards. Maybe it's getting better?

Tomorrow is lunch with the Fart Machine Girls which is always a blast. They're the best!

Now I'm packing it in for the night. Me and the K-monster (cat) are ready to hit the hay.

G'night and as Mr. Charming always says "Sweet Dreams".

Saturday Night Loser's Club on Sunday

Sorry, I missed the Saturday Night Loser's Club. Frankly, I was just too depressed to write anything last night.

The grief has been absolutley unbearable the past few days. It's been so bad that I'm starting to feel like I don't want to go on anymore. My life is over. J is gone forever. He's never ever coming back. What's the point? Really? It just doesn't seem to be much point to going on.

There's no one to cook for (not that I can cook in the first place). No one to take care of. Nothing. Just me and the cats and Big W (the dog). I'm so tired of not having anyone to say goodnight to or anyone to say good morning to. No one to just put their arm around me and tell me it will be ok. No one to help decide what to do. No one to fix the dang wireless. I don't know what to do with all this stuff. I can't get rid of it because I feel desperate to keep it, but I can't stand looking at it any more because it's a constant reminder of J.

I think I've cried more in the past 3 days than I've cried in the past 5 months. I thought this was supposed to get easier? What happened to the time makes it better? It's a big fat lie. Time doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. It makes it worse because the shock wears off and then you're just left with the reality.

And that's where I'm at. The reality has set in that J is not coming back. J is dead. And no matter what I do or say, J just keeps on being dead.

And this week won't be any better. Halloween is coming up. J asked me to marry him on Halloween - my favorite holiday. Actually he asked me like at 2 a.m. on Halloween. Then I got my engagement ring later that evening. He had to go buy it first. I remember I went to my favorite store and bought this pink sweater that was so soft. I wanted to look pretty and girly for him that night when I got my ring. J was afraid that I wouldn't like my ring. He thought the diamond was too small, but I never saw anything so beautiful in my whole life. It was perfect. It was perfect because he picked it out and gave it to me. He could have picked any girl on the planet, but he picked me. And I so didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve him. He was too good for me. But for some reason, he loved me anyway.

I wish I had told him thank you. I wish I had been a better wife. I wish I had been a better woman. I wish I could just see him for 5 minutes just to tell him that and that I love him and say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye. I wasn't there with him when he died. One of the most important days of his life, and I missed it. Maybe it was a blessing that I didn't have to see it though. It's hard enough to live through this without the additional burden of having seen him die.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't know how much longer I even want to.

No music tonight.

Out on the Ledge All Day

Dang, this was a hard day. J's family is stirring up trouble again.

SIL sent me a snotty e-mail a few days ago. So I finally replied to her and just told her straight out what I thought. Then she replied and backed off. She's needs to mind her own business and quit being so bossy.

But then I decided to just go ahead and call J's mother this morning from work. That way I have an excuse to get off the phone quickly. I figured she was mad at me about something (she always is), but I was wrong. She was really, really sad. I felt terrible for her. She had somehow gotten it in her head that nobody had tried to save J the day he died. I didn't realize that no one had actually told her what really happened. So then I had to re-hash the whole entire story. It was so hard to have to tell it again and then to know she was having to hear it basically for the first time. I have my problems with the woman, but I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on her ever. It just kills me to know that someone else feels this too.

I had a little meltdown after the phone call and cried a little while. Sometimes it helps to cry. Sort of like it relieves the pressure a little. But I've been pretty much weepy all day. I miss J so badly. It's really been hitting me hard this week for some reason. Maybe I'm just tired? I woke up at 4 a.m. sitting in front of the computer. I had been in bed. I'm not sure how I got in front of the computer. I think I'm sleepwalking now. I know that the Ambien comes with a warning that some people have gotten up in the night and driven. Scary. Maybe I should hide the keys?

Anyway, I haven't heard from Mr. Charming in a couple of days. I decided not to e-mail him to let him wonder where I am for a few days. Sort of a test, I guess. So far he is failing miserably. He hasn't e-mailed or called or anything. In the last e-mail I sent him, I told him I was feeling bad and maybe getting sick. He didn't even reply to say hope you feel better or to even check to see if I was ok. That's pretty inconsiderate I think. Definitely a strike against him for sure. J would never have done that. He would have been on the phone offering to bring me chicken soup.

When we were dating, he got really sick and had to spend the night in the hospital. I slept on a cot by his hospital bed that night and took care of him. I would never have just ignored him when he was sick. You take care of people you care about.

Mr. Charming is a lot of work, and I'm just having to wonder if I'm really up to it? I wish I'd stop going back and forth about him. Maybe that's telling me something if I'm never sure about him?

When J and I were dating, I was never unsure about him. From date #1, I knew we'd be together, and he did too. It was so easy. The one time I had to put so much effort into a relationship it turned out awful. I actually have been mad at that guy for 20 years and only recently we spoke and patched it up. Mr. Charming reminds me a lot of him too. Oh mercy. That's not good.

I know I'll never find another J ever again, but any new guy should come with a few qualities that are must-haves. Must be: not judgemental, considerate, kind, consistent, appreciative, protective. That's just a few. So far, Mr. C gets a few considerate points.

I don't know. I'm still wishing for that big bus to mow me down frankly. I'm just tired and rambling...and grumpy from him failing his test.

But I'm really liking this song since yesterday. Hope you do too. The audio quality is not the greatest here. The song sounds much better than this. It's "It Just Takes One" by Addison Road.

Oh man, I think I'm getting sick...

I feel it rumbling and churning in my stomach. I'm ready to just go crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head, but I'm kinda waiting on an e-mail.

Yes, yes, from you know who (Mr. C). He texted me this afternoon and said he was in a training thing all day, so he would e-mail later tonight. And he hoped I was having a wonderful day. Is that not just so stinking sweet? Maybe I should just give in already and be crazy about him? (Crazy being the operative word there.) We'll see. He'd be pretty easy to fall head over heels for, but I gotta keep my wits about me. Good thing he does live far off. Helps me keep my head on straight not having him physically here day in and day out. And pretty much keeps me out of some serious trouble too if you know what I mean.

What is it about nerdy guys? I am the biggest lunatic over nerdy guys. I think they are pretty much adorable. I actually like to hear them use words that I have to look up in the dictionary and talk about things like relativity and existentialism. Maybe I'm nerdy too. I prefer to think of it as being strange.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel really sick now, so I may just have to wait on the e-mail until tomorrow morning.

Today I was introduced to "Cowpunk". I am so seriously loving it. How did I not know about Cowpunk until today? It's completely wonderful. Enjoy!

Ok, let's try that again. For some reason Sly and the Family Stone showed up instead of Goober & the Peas. See if this works:

Let's Talk about Grief

Eventually, I have to get back around to the underlying topic of this blog - death and grief. That's why it was started in the first place. My shrink thought it would be good for me to journal and work out some of my frustrations and grief. I just couldn't get into the whole writing on paper thing. I like paper too much. I don't like to waste it. Anyway, I can type faster than I can write so here I am.

Tonight I went to a grief support group. I've been waiting like 2 months for this thing to start up. It's a program called "Grief Share". Frankly, it's pretty good. You have a workbook (and I am all about workbooks). They show you a video of regular people talking about grief and how they deal with it. And there's experts in psychology and stuff to help you navigate through it all. Then you have a discussion afterwards about the video or about whatever is making you crazy at the moment.

Mostly I went because I was starting to feel a little like the Lone Ranger when Tonto went into town without him - alone. Grief messes with your head. You start to wonder if you are the only person on the planet who feels like this. And really, I went to see if there were people my own age who were grieving too (and there were).

The weird thing is that once I got there, the age thing didn't matter anymore. We were all going through the same thing - at different stages, but basically the same thing. Finally, I found my people. Thank God. I don't wish this on anyone, but it's just such a relief to know that I have real people now who know how this feels and who understand without even having to explain it. Thank God for my people!!

And then today I went to see my own personal shrink. We had a long talk about being happy and not feeling guilty about it. I asked her if I was insane to have Mr. Charming around. It's only been almost 5 months. She was all for it! She said nobody has any right to judge you. You have every right to be happy. You're rebuilding your life. You have to try out new things. You have to try on new relationships. Otherwise, you'll just stay in your house and write a blog that nobody reads for the next 50 years and be miserable. Why not be happy if the opportunity presents itself?

That settles it. My shrink stays on the payroll for as long as she will have me. And Mr. Charming and I will forge ahead with whatever relationship we choose to make, and if people don't like it, they can look the other way. I really like him. He makes me happy. Why shouldn't we be happy together if we can? We've had a couple of glitches - mostly due to e-mail and the lack of clarity you get with an e-mail. But what relationship is perfect, right? Even the spectacular J was not without faults and could drive me up the wall from time to time, but I never stopped loving him. So Mr. Charming is here to stay at least for now. He's become a permanent fixture in my world. It's time to break the news to my family (who will pass a brick the size of Chicago when they hear about it - but they can look the other way if they don't like it.) If you hear this blood-curdling scream across the land, that would be the sound of my Mama finding out about my Mr. Charming. Heaven help him. He may decide to bail once he meets the family. They are a whole 'nother story that I might tell one day.

So here's to finding your place and your people in this world and somebody really special to make you happy.

Love,
L

Lighten Up Already

You know what nature's way of telling you to lighten up is?

Gray hair.

(I know. I butchered the grammar, but that's how I talk.)

I know it's hard to believe, but I'll go ahead and confess it anyway.

Sometimes, I take myself a little too seriously. Gasp! Shock! Horrors!

I really need to lighten up. My graying hair has reminded me of that today. Just when you are all happy with your hair and the color - WHAMMO! Those pesky little gray hairs start showing up again, and it's time to re-do the color.

It made me think that maybe I need a re-do on my attitude and myself too. I take things way too seriously. I worry and fret over the minutia of my life. And I usually wind up screwing up when I do. I let little things get blown out of proportion. I have no balance. When that happens, that's when all hell breaks loose.

I don't mean to really. It just sort of builds and then it explodes one day. The only times J ever got so frustrated with me that he couldn't see straight were the times that I would just explode. Normally, I am not one to have a temper. I more of the hold-it-in-until-dam-bursts kind of girl. Well, it was the times when the dam burst that J would get aggravated with me. He'd always say "Sweetie, just tell me what's wrong to start with. Don't wait until it builds up so much that you explode." I wish I could tell him that it's better now, but it's not.

Ok, here's what all this random mumbo jumbo is about. I got this e-mail today from Sister-in-Law (SIL) when I was at work. She says that Monster-In-Law (aka Mother-in-Law) had tried to call me, but no one answered and the voicemail never picked up. She really, really needs to speak to me. So if I can't be bothered to pick up the phone, she says "May I suggest that you have your Mother call MIL?"

Man, when I read that, I saw red flash before my eyes. I may have sprouted horns for a moment. Oh no, she didn't just say that. I actually thought to myself "How bad would jail be really?" Free dental care. Nothing to do all day but read books and write. Free jumpsuits. Maybe learn to make license plates. I could do jail maybe. Then someone walked in and snapped me back to reality. I could never actually kill SIL no matter how much I hate her at this moment.

Here's what I really want to say, so I'll just write it out here in a safe place. I know SIL would never read my heathen blog. I might say hell or ass or damn it. Her ears would fall off her head if she read those words coming from me.

So here's what I really WANT to say to SIL and MIL (but won't):

You know SIL whether I answer my damn phone is up to me. Maybe I feel like it. Maybe I see your number or MIL's number on the caller ID and suddenly I don't feel like it. Either way, I am under no obligation to answer the phone just because it rings. It does not control me. I am not Pavlov's dog. Ding. Salivate and answer the damn phone.

For another thing, I have no control over the mechanics of voicemail. You know how voicemail works? Do you? I'll tell you how.

It's freaking MAGIC.

It just happens. I have no idea how it works. I have no control over when calls go to voicemail or not. Maybe MIL didn't stay on the line long enough for it to connect to the voicemail. Maybe it just didn't take. You see the point is - it's out of my control.

And for yet another thing, if the phone call is so flippin' important, why didn't she call back a second time? Wouldn't you? I know on the day that J died I called my parent's house around 50 or 60 times trying to get them on the phone. It was IMPORTANT. I kept trying. I didn't call once and assume that they are avoiding me. Then sat around and pouted about it for days. If it's IMPORTANT, call the hell back.

And for even yet another thing, NO you may NOT suggest that my mother call the monster. Because for:

1. It's none of your business;

2. you're being a real B about a phone call;

and

3. You think my mouth is foul? Honey, don't make me let Mama loose on you. She will tear you up one side and down the other. You don't want Mama getting involved. Seriously. She will beat you like your Daddy should have. Nobody messes with Mama and lives to tell about it. She is a mean woman. I saw my Mama chase down a moving vehicle once. I am not kidding. I heard my Mama tell some woman one time that she would be glad to take it out to the parking lot and that she would stomp her ass. That's my Mama.

So no, you don't need to suggest anything. Seriously.

What you need is a good dose of shut the hell up and mind your own business already.

But see if I actually said that, it would start a war like war had just been invented for the first time. It would become this unstoppable force in the universe. Planets would line up and collide. It would trigger mudslides, wildfires, earthquakes, volcanoes, plagues and famine throughout the land. People would be sitting out in fields waiting on the Lord to come back. Gas prices would go above $10 a gallon. Life as we know it would come to an end. I'm not kidding either.

So instead of saying all that and ending life as we know it, I will just take my gray hair's advice. I will lighten up. It's just a stupid e-mail sent by a stupid person. It really means nothing in the entire scheme of things. It's just words on a screen. Sticks and stones and all that.

But at least I got to say it here, right? I kinda do feel better.

I kinda like this song. I'm attracted to the colors and the flying couches, but what's with all the "hose" like things. Seems a little phallic to me. You be the judge.

Ooh, and it's Party Hits too. Wowza!

Out on the Ledge Again

Frankly, I think I probably just belong out here on the ledge permanently. My life certainly isn't worth coming back in for.

My family is trying to micro-manage me. They are pressing me hard to invest what very little money I have with some shady man that they found. J didn't trust him, and I don't either. I told them that I can't tie up this tiny bit of money for years and years. What if I had to have surgery or a tree fell on my roof? It would ruin me. I have no freaking money. It takes all I have just to live.

And then Mom is pressing me hard to join up with her Red Hat Society. Please God, will you tell everyone that I am NOT 50 years old? I'm not even close to 50 years old. I really just want to spend time with people my own age. I am not ready to be a senior citizen. Please, please, please. I swear. I just want to be able to decide what I want to do with my life.

J's family is pressing me hard too. I don't have any idea what they really want. I guess it's mainly just to boss me around.

Mr. Charming is all over the place. Ok, get this. Now he thinks maybe he might just want to spend his entire life alone. Well, good. Go ahead. Ain't nobody stopping you. Have at it brother. I'm done. I think he might actually be crazy like his ex-wife says. I sure as heck don't need one more lunatic in my life. I got two entire families full of those.

I'm so tired. I just want to wake up and have my old life back. I just want to wake up and have this freaking nightmare be over. Sometimes I just feel like I can't go on another day. Sometimes I just wish lightning would strike me or a bus would mow me down. At this point, I really don't care what. Just let it be over.

The pain is just too much to bear sometimes, and today is one of those days.

No music tonight. I just don't feel up to it. Sorry.

Blah, Bluh, Blech

Welcome Saturday Night Losers.

It's been one of those days today. You know the kind. Blah. Bluh. Blech.

I've been out on the ledge for most of today. I hate when I get in one of these moods. I may as well just go back to bed and sleep the entire day. I think maybe the mood is due to the moon heading from full to new. I always feel a lot better when the moon is full. Or it could just be that I'm weird?

Anyway, for no particular reason, I feel emotionally and spiritually bad today. Oh, yeah, my hair is not helping one bit. It needs color. It needs some style. It mostly needs an exorcism. When the hair is bad, then I start feeling insecure and horribly ugly. Ugly on the outside and the inside too.

And it's cold outside - not cool like fall should be. It's freaking cold out there. I can't seem to get warm.

I did get one piece of good news today. We now have actual tickets to go see Nine Inch Nails!!!!! I swear I would give up everything I own and my religion too for Trent Reznor. He's beautiful. Scary, but beautiful.

And I did get an e-mail from Mr. Charming today. It was kinda confusing though. You know how it is. You can't get a tone or know exactly what someone is meaning when they e-mail. And I am one who will pick apart an e-mail syllable by syllable to figure out what someone means which is impossible. Normally I would never quote what was written to me in a personal e-mail, but this one has left me scratching my head. He said that "at least I have met my spiritual soulmate (You!)." The part that throws me off is the "at least". Does that mean that's all it is? Or meaning it goes up from there because that is the minimum? WTH does that mean? See, I'm just splitting hairs. Probably, I should be more concerned about someone saying I'm their spiritual soulmate, I think. Why doesn't that sound good? I guess at this point I would prefer a raging hot romance to spiritual soulmate status. Maybe men my age just can work into raging hot romance any more? (Not that I'm that old - just 40ish.) Maybe I need to kick him to the curb? I don't know.

Whatever. It's just the mood talking. J always knew how to get me out of these moods.

Honestly, I am so sick and tired of him being dead that I could just scream. I'm still pissed off at him for dying and leaving me here without him. I'm worn out on it. I swear most of the time I feel like he's just gone off and will be coming back any day now. But man, today I really feel it. I feel for sure that he is dead and never coming back again. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I am stuck. I can't go back. I can't go forward. And now is going nowhere at all. I know. I know. I know. It just takes time. If I hear that one more time, I may go postal. Am I really the only one who can see that no one has the luxury of time? I think maybe I am.

You don't have the luxury of time people. You can drop dead any second. No one wants to hear that, but it's the gospel truth. I sure didn't think J was going to that thursday back in May. No warning. No signs. He just dropped dead. There is no luxury of time. If you are going to live, you gotta do it right this minute. I am trapped by this unbelievable sense of the urgency of time and the inability to get myself moving forward again. It sucks.

I think I might be getting a cold too, so that's not helping this mood any. And I still don't sleep well. I really hate my life today. It pretty much sucks to be me.

Are you still reading this? Stop it. Go have a life. Go do something fun. I should have done that myself instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and being angry at J who didn't really mean to die. This whole thing is really complicated.

Here's some good angry music. I know Seether is Louise (only true VS fans would know that), but today it's me too. Rock your anger out!

I love Halloween

It's my absolute most favorite holiday. I'm not sure exactly why, but I like it so much better than Christmas. And you don't even get presents on Halloween.

I just got home from an evening spent hopelessly lost in a corn maze. That was fun especially in the dark. Then we went over to the hayride which took us around the farm and then out to the "Trail of Terror". Dang, I screamed my head off in that thing. They only let you go through in groups of 4 or 5. No flashlights allowed. I was ok until we had to go through this big box looking thing that was pitch black inside. I was the last one in of course, and when we got inside this guy with a chainsaw came in right after me. It was like he was right on my back. I just froze and screamed my head off (lotta help I would be if monsters were really chasing us). So my friend K reaches and grabs my arm and yanks me through the box and out the other side. If she hadn't, I'm sure I'd still be standing there screaming right now!

The only thing I couldn't look at was the coffin. J's funeral is too fresh in my head. So I just put my head down and ran past it.

I'm really tired from walking for hours around the maze and from all the screaming. It was fun. The night sky was amazing. It was completely clear out, and you could see every single star. And then the moon was this huge dark yellowish color. It was absolutely gorgeous.

I was so wishing that Mr. Charming was here tonight. He's been working really long hours. Poor baby. But he emailed me last night as soon as he got home. So sweet. He needs to get his buns down here and see me in person. I'm so ready.

Anyway, I am tired, but happy. So I'm leaving to head off to bed.

I am obsessed with this song. There's no video, so don't worry it's not broken. It's only audio. I swear I love Shirley Manson. I want to be her.

I heart my iPod Touch

Can I just say how freaking much I love my iPod Touch? It is the best thing ever and almost the best invention ever - it hasn't knocked off indoor plumbing which still takes the #1 spot on my best invention list.

I'm seriously a music maniac. I have some kind of music playing all day and practically all night too. I just discovered the best thing ever:

www.lastfm.com

It's one of those internet radio station places where you set-up a list of music that you like, and then they recommend songs that you might like based on your list. It's pretty dang good. Just about everything they've recommended for me has been spot on. I think I've only banned two songs from my library, and they were really obscure. Some of the music I heard on there today was stuff that I had liked a long time ago and had forgotten about - like Elastica (see their song called "Connection").

The best thing about LastFM is that they have a free app for the iPhone and iPod Touch that lets you listen on your nifty little piece of technology (if you can ever connect to the wifi which I STILL can't seeing as how J took the password with him to eternity). But I can connect to it in other places, so it's still pretty cool.

I wish I could have a job where I just play with my iPod all day. Do they have jobs like that?

So yesterday, I went to Sears and bought the BIG Ass tote bag/purse that I've been stalking for a few days. I just couldn't justify to myself buying yet another big bag, but I was kinda depressed over Mr. Charming (that I had kicked him to the curb or so I thought). Sometimes, retail therapy is the only thing that actually helps when you have man problems. This bag just makes you want to die (channeling my inner Rachel Zoe there). It's this burgundy/maroon faux croc bag. Has a padded laptop section inside and a cell phone pocket that actually works (somebody had their thinking cap on the day they designed that).

I decided that since I was facing the possibility of never hearing from Mr. Charming ever again that I would actually pay full price for my dream bag. So I went to Sears and just got it. Lo and freakng behold, when I checked out, it was 40% off! Could you just die? It was like a sign that I should have it. And then later last night, I got Mr. Charming back too. I should have went straight out and bought lottery tickets. With the luck I was having yesterday, I might be sitting on the beach in Bermuda typing this through a wifi that actually works right now.

I seriously think that my cat has lost his mind. He's licking a box in the closet - a cardboard box that has nothing but some papers in it. Why do cats do things like that? What would he be getting from licking a cardboard box? I mean I know like caribou lick rocks to get salt. It just makes me wonder about cats. Maybe it's just this particular cat? Who knows?

Anyway, I emailed Mr. Charming just to say goodnight and that I was headed off to bed. Hope it puts me in his mind before he goes to sleep. ;-)

Here's some Elastica for you tonight (2 songs). Chick Music Rules!

I caved. You had to know I would.

I have no willpower whatsoever. Absolutely none. I am truly pathetic.

So yesterday, I sent Mr. Charming the email that basically said forget you and the horse you rode in on. I figure that I will never hear from him again.

But... (there's ALWAYS a but, right?)

He called tonight. He never saw the email (at least that's what he says and it seemed to be the truth). So I tell him what I said, and he says "you keep showing me the door, and I keep not going. I'm not going. I like you too much."

Turns out the remark about my writing was not directed toward me at all. But that he suddenly didn't know what he wanted when he had me on the phone. He was probably more afraid than me. I don't know if this is true or not, but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I guess there is a huge difference in having your spouse leave and divorce you than having your spouse die. I have no way to fix my relationship with J. He's gone forever. No amount of wishing will bring him back. So I guess I accept it easier in a way. But for Mr. C, his ex-wife is out there, and there's always the possibility that they could be back together. I completely understand that and how he would still wish for that. If J was dropped off on my front porch tomorrow, I would want nothing else but to be with him for forever.

So where it stands now is that we are friends and just seeing where things go. I can do that. I guess I have to try. I would always kick myself and wonder what might have been if I don't. I don't want to have to live with more regrets. I already have plenty of those to last a lifetime. I know I'm probably crazy right?

Tonight's song is directed at me. *rolling eyes*

As Heidi Klum says "One Day You're In, the Next Day You're Out"

And guess who is out today?

Mr. Charming. That's who. I thought about it all day yesterday and all day today. Then I got an e-mail from him tonight. I e-mailed him and basically told him "forget you and the horse you rode in on". I should have known better, but I was a dumb girl and fell for a little flattery. I told him that the Thanksgiving visit is off. I really don't want to hear from him any more.

All he really wants are my words. He doesn't want me. The weird thing is that my words ARE me. How can you separate the two? I certainly don't see how. It must be a man thing, I'm thinking. If you reject one part, aren't you rejecting the entire package? Oh actually, I see. He likes my mind, but not the rest of me. Shallow. Very very shallow.

Frankly, it's just too much to deal with after what I've been through in the past 4 months and WAY, WAY too soon. I am not selling myself short for anybody. I'd rather be alone for the next 40 or 50 years than to just settle for whatever scraps are thrown my way. Love me, love my crazy life and everything that makes me who I am. You don't get to pick and choose the parts you like and don't like.

I think it would be different if I hadn't had almost 20 years with my J. See, he loved me just the way I am - flaws and all. He even thought a lot of the flaws were endearing. Nothing ever changed the way he loved me. It wasn't something I had to earn. It was just how he felt. How can I ever settle for less than that? I know. It's some big shoes to fill. Maybe nobody is up to it or ever will be up to it? I don't know. I just know that I'm not going to have anyone make me feel like I am not good enough. It's about time that I start standing up for me and doing what is right for me. It may sound selfish, but I've never once done that in my whole life until now. Of course, it hurt a little bit to send that e-mail to Mr. Charming, but not much more than pulling off a band-aid. Once it was sent, the pain was over. Like I always say, I've lived through much worse than this.

It is a good thing to know that honestly, I'm just not ready to be out dating. It's way too soon. I see that I still have a lot of unresolved feelings and grief to work through. Thankfully, the grief support group starts next week. I'm hoping that will really help a lot.

So for now, I'm just going to focus on getting myself back together, getting through this grief, and my upcoming vacation - and maybe even a plan for the future that only depends on me and what I want for once.

I found a great song the other day. Seems like it might be a good day to share it with the universe.

A Pretty Good Day

Man, the weather is absolutely perfect. I love fall. The leaves are changing colors and falling off. The humidity is gone. There's almost a constant gentle breeze. I just had to be out in it today.

I had lunch with my friends M, B, & their son B. I confessed my love of NIN to them, and they howled. They actually said "But you look like you would be a boring person with a boring life." LOL. I think that's a good thing? Anyway, turns out I might go to see NIN with their son C and his girlfriend K. That would so rock my world!!! Trent live!!

After lunch, I went to Sears in search of luggage. Yeah, I'm taking a trip, but I'm not giving out details at the moment. I found a cute little black purse on sale and bought a butt-load of luggage. It came as set and was pretty dang nice and on SALE! BONUS!!

Then it was just too nice to just go home and sit. The Car of Rage was burning to get out on the highway. So off we went. We drove way, way, way out of town. Found this absolutely amazing valley with beautiful fall colors everywhere and cute little houses. Then headed up the mountain and over the top and back down again. It was so nice and made the Car of Rage happy again. She was starting to feel a little neglected I think. She has 2000 miles now. We met at 6. We've been a lot of miles together. God bless the Car of Rage. I love her so!

Then tonight was Amazing Race. J always wanted us to try out for that. The only things that stopped us were: 1. Neither of us knew how to drive a stick; 2. J couldn't swim at all; and 3. I am terrified of flying. Kinda limits going around the world when you can't fly. I wish we had now.

So I'm thinking maybe I might try out for the next season of Survivor. I know. Nobody thinks I could do it. That's why it's so brilliant. Why not? I can swim. I can do puzzles. I can plot and scheme with the best of them. I'm very competitive. And seriously, I have such an innocent face. No one would ever suspect me of being any kind of threat.

Ok, I understand the occasional wrong number phone call, but I get a little pissed when they won't take no for an answer. Some guy named "Jonny" just called and said "hey,it's me." I didn't recognize the voice, so I said "Ok, who are you then?" He goes "It's me Jonny". Like I should know. So I said "I think you have the wrong number" and hung up. Now Jonny has the balls to text me and say "Who is this?". Should I text something back? What should I say? Something like "This is the county jail. Turn yourself in." Any ideas? I'm kinda fresh out of smart-mouthed things to say. Pushy wrong number people. Guess I'll just ignore it for now.

Haven't heard from Mr. Charming today. Didn't really expect to though. Whatever.

Tonight I did the most ridiculous thing ever, and it was a blast! I had two belly-dancing lessons. LOL. I'm really one step away now from that in-house stripper pole. ROFL. Actually it was a lot of fun and a good workout. I could really get into the belly-dancing. I might do that again.

Mr. Charming should shape up and try a little harder. Maybe he would be the lucky one to reap the benefits of these lessons one day. But the way things are going, I guess he'll just have to miss out. His loss.

Good heavens, "Jonny" just texted me AGAIN. I'm getting really ticked off now. He says "Do you know anyone named Alex?". So I did text back and said "NO". Then he texted back and said "oh nvr mind. He gave me this number and said to call him. my bad." Did I not tell you that you had the wrong number the FIRST time? Loser.

Come to think of it, I got a call for this Alex on thursday. I think Alex is giving out my number to people. And he has a very unusual last name, and I work with someone with that same name. I think it might be his mom. I may pay her a little visit tomorrow. Hey Alex, you better have a good explanation. You are so busted dude. Thanks to your little friend "Jonny".

Well that about wraps it up for tonight. I'm in the middle of doing laundry. Can I say that it really sucks to be doing laundry at 10 p.m. on Sunday night? It really does.

In honor of my friends M & B who are going to Atlanta to see AC/DC...
(yes, I changed the video after I watched it all the way through. The bicycle crotch shots were over the line.)

Man Problems

Hello Saturday Night Losers. Tonight, I AM Queen of the Saturday Night Loser's Club.

(You have to read the post below "More than a little sidetracked" first for this one to make any sense.)

Mr. Charming just called. (Yeah, it shocked me too.) He says he is surprised I answered the phone. I am too frankly.

His last e-mail after our 3-hour phone call was not so good. Basically, he is saying that on the phone I don't sound like my e-mails. He says my e-mails were WOW, but he didn't get that same feeling on the phone. He says it was like talking to family.

OUCH. That hurts a little bit. At least he didn't say it was like talking to his sister. I would have thrown up all over the phone if had said that. I tried to explain to him that I was very, very nervous on the phone, but I'm not sure he believes me.

I think he has actually fallen for my writing and not for me. Seems like a Cyrano de Bergerac kind of thing going on.

Does this freak you out a little? It kind of freaks me out. Maybe he is psycho?

How I am supposed to compete with my own writing? Is my writing so good that it actually causes some random guy to fall in love with it? Dang, I need to get started on a book then cause I could make a fortune. I mean I'm pretty flattered about the writing in a weird way, I guess.

He wants to come see me at Thanksgiving. It's a VERY long drive to come see me at Thanksgiving. Does that mean he's still interested? When he drives up will he want to talk to me or just want me to hand him a letter to read?

And please, don't freak out. He's not coming to spend the night or even to my house. We're just talking dinner date at a restaurant. I'll meet him there, and maybe have some friends planted in the restaurant to spy on him. I could do that. He doesn't know who I know and don't know.

And then there's the whole issue of J's family. They come to our house for Thanksgiving every year. I was pretty sure that they would not come this year since we can barely stand to be in the same room together, but who knows with those people? I can't have them here and then say "oh by the way, I'm leaving to go on a date." Awkward.

I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to feel like it's not worth all the trouble. He does live a long way from me. It would take a butt-load of trust and a whole lot of effort to stay connected.

Damn it! This would all be a moot point if J hadn't up and died. I swear I am still so angry at him. It's been 22 years since I've even thought about a date with another man that wasn't J (ok, except for a few Trent Reznor fantasies). It's all changed. The internet wasn't even around when we were dating.

Maybe I'm just not up for the whole dating thing after all?

Please, people of the internet, if you like my writing, don't call me. You don't have to date me for it. It's all out here for God and everybody. Just read and enjoy it for what it is.

PS. I went and worked out today. Sort of a revenge workout. You know "you'll be sorry one of these days when I walk by and leave you breathless" kinds of workouts. It felt pretty good. And now I'm off to listen to Trent Reznor sing songs about dirty sex to me. How'd you like them words, Mr. Charming? (and yes, I'm well aware that these songs are probably not about dirty sex, but let me have my little fantasy, ok?)

Oh wait. Here you can have the song right now (WARNING: F-bomb alert if you're sensitive to that):



And here's the one I crank up in the Car of Rage:

MORE than a little sidetracked

I have broken rule number one, and for that I am truly sorry.

Rule number one: I am true to myself first.

Mr. Charming has become a MAJOR distraction in my life for the past few days. There have been more e-mails and a 3-hour phone conversation.

Unfortunately, when I heard his voice, I freaked out. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it might just pound through the floor. My hands were shaking - and still are 2 days later. That voice is soooo to die for. Seriously sexy. His voice makes me want to throw caution to the wind and all my clothes on the floor. And I honestly couldn't speak. He talked for 3 hours while I listened. So now he's confused by the phone call. Maybe there's no spark?

But come on, cut me some slack. It's been 22 years since I've dated any one other than my husband. It's only been a little over 4 months since J died. It's not like I'm completely comfortable with all this. I wasn't looking for him. I wasn't looking to date someone. He just showed up out of the clear blue sky. My nerves completely took over. He's had time to move past his divorce. He's had time to date other people and have relationships. I'm a beginner. The nerves got me.

I don't know. Maybe it's not the right time? Maybe he's ready to rush in and save the day? I don't need him to save me. I'm saving myself pretty well, I think.

I feel like he is looking for someone to marry. I'm definitely not that girl right now. But more than that, I feel like he's looking for this sweet precious angel - like something he can put up on a pedestal and admire. I am SO not an angel. I mean how many precious angels love Nine Inch Nails? I like it when Trent sings about sex or even when he's not singing about sex and it still sounds like he is. Sweet precious angels don't have "With Teeth" blasting out the window of their Car of Rage.

And the cursing. I was afraid one would slip out when I was talking to him on the phone.

Good gracious, this is starting to sound just like life with J. He was so good and so wonderful, and I drove myself crazy trying to be as good as he was to the point where I lost myself along the way. I can't do that again.

Whoever I may or may not wind up dating some day has to take me - flaws and all. My number one rule that I made for myself after J died was to be true to me first.

I don't know what the future holds with Mr. Charming. He's gone out of state for the weekend and won't be back until Sunday night or Monday. He said he would call in a day or two. I have this feeling that he won't call at all actually. I'll be really surprised if he does.

Would I be broken hearted? No, but let's say wounded a bit. But I've lived through worse and survived. If nothing happens, I'll just chalk him up to being a little adventure. If he does call, the blog will be the first to know. LOL

So I'm off to have a spectacular fall Saturday on my own. I'm good company so it should be a good day.

Sidetracked

So I totally forgot to update the blog last night. I was a little sidetracked (more than usual even).

Last night I was pre-occupied with helping a friend and, shall we say, exploring new territory. The friend has been helped and his life is rolling along perfectly which makes me happy. I love for my friends to be happy. I'm a natural born meddler, so anytime I can meddle and get away with it is bonus! So now, we have to work on my life which is where the new territory comes in.

Yep, you guessed it. It's all about Mr. Charming. We're still e-mailing back and forth, and it has taken quite the unexpected turn. Seems he is interested in a serious relationship. And not just any serious relationship. He's interested in a serious relationship with yours truly. What?

I KNOW!

No one is more surprised than me. Please, I know, I know, I know what you are thinking. But listen, here's the thing. I have not lost my head. I am well aware that I am a relative newcomer to the widowhood thing (I swear I hate that word). Trust me, I am in no way finished grieving or anywhere remotely ready to move on. But come on, I'm only flesh and blood. I have a heart. It's broken at the moment, but I still have one. So when his FIRST e-mail last night ended with "Sweet Dreams Princess", well my little black heart melted into the floor and dissolved into a puddle. Wouldn't yours? I don't know any woman on the planet who wouldn't die for words like that. Ok, well, it could be just me. Seriously, he knows how to play to win that's for sure.

So I sat there with his e-mail open for TWO HOURS trying to think of what to say and how to say it. He knows that J died, but he didn't know how recent it has been. I figured I owed him the truth. That way he could run away screaming before one of us gets a broken heart. I told him that I wasn't past it and that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I told him that my heart is broken and that I honestly had no expectations other than friendship.

When I got his SECOND e-mail last night, I was shocked to find that he is perfectly willing to wait around for me. He's in no hurry. He said that all this is very heavy stuff. It takes time to sort it all out, and for me to take all the time I need.

OMG. Now what?

OMG again. I just got another e-mail this very second. I swear I might not be able to keep my head out of the clouds for very long. This email was lighter in tone - not so serious, and really funny in a dorky kind of way. I'm such a sucker for the dorky guys of the world. I don't know why, but that's how it is. But the worst of it is, he sent me MUSIC video links from YOU TUBE. SHUT UP!

What do I do every single freaking night? I am either on You Tube with the hairbrush karaoke or I am on here shoving videos in your face (sometimes both). I swear nothing - absolutely nothing - could get to my heart more than this. Not flowers, not the perfect purse, not cute little kitty-cats - NOTHING else goes straight for my heart more than You Tube Music videos. Are you out there reading this Mr. Charming? Cause this is huge. Big brownie points for you tonight with extra credit.

And it gets better. He said the magic word. I think I am the only person on the planet who has an actual magic word. J gave it to me. We wrote our wedding vows around it even. We had a business named for the magic word. It was how we tried to live our lives together. And Mr. Charming said it, and talked about it. (No, I'm not telling it here because it was between J and me and now Mr. Charming and me. And no it's not dirty, you gutter minds.) It's kind of sacred to me. No, it is NOT "love" either. It has nothing to do with feelings at all. And he said it and talked about it in the email. Maybe J has come back in someone else's body? Can that happen? Wouldn't that be weird, but amazingly awesome at the same time? Listen, if anybody could pull it off, it would be my J. I'm cracking up, right?

This actually might be worse than being alone and grieving. Because I have no idea what to do now. Is it possible that someone could just show up and be just right? I am more than freaking out. I need a big, humongous think on this one. I'm still taking my time, but man, I don't know. How can you not be looking at all and then this? Maybe it's just the loneliness and the grief talking.

This friend of mine wrote this on a letter to me recently. "One day you will look up, and someone will be there. You'll say he's not J, but he's wonderful."

I think I'm going to crawl back out on the ledge. Seems like it might be safer out there for awhile.

I think I should call the shrink and get an emergency appointment, don't you?

If J gets to come back as Mr. Charming, could I please come back as Shirley Manson? That would be my ultimate reincarnation.

WTH kind of music do I put out there tonight? I'm not giving you the music he sent to me cause he sent it to me and not the universe. I'm kind of protective like that.

Back again...

Why is it that when I make myself cry I always find something that makes me cry harder?

I just found these:

After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a While you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand
And chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean
Leaning
And company doesn't always mean
Security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts and
Presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your
Defeats
With your head up and your eyes
Ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling
Down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
That YOU REALLY CAN ENDURE
that YOU REALLY ARE STRONG
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

A Happy Song and a Carload of Chickens

I have cabin fever something fierce from being stuck in the house sick all weekend. Blah. But the good news is that the sneezing seems to have finally stopped, but I'm still hoarse.

It's been pretty much boring around here, but I've gotten some good sleep. Maybe I just needed to catch up on some Zzzzs for a bit? And I found a really cool list maker app for the iPod. I seriously don't know how I have lived with out my iPod Touch. I freaking love technology. I'm such a gadget girl.

I saw on MSN today a big article about overrated and underrated technology. Surprise, surprise. All of the Apple stuff was overrated. Like we couldn't see that one coming. Come on Bill G. We know what you're up to. I think you might just be a teensy bit jealous because all the Apple people are having fun hanging in the cool club. LOL. Come on Bill. Come over to the dark side. You know you want to...

Oh and I just want to say this: TITANS ARE 5-0 BABY!!!

Dang, J is missing it all. But it would be way worse if the Vikings were 5-0, and J was missing it. He waited so long for his beloved Vikings to win a Super Bowl. But it never happened.

Ooh, that made me think of a good story. One time J and I went on vacation up to Niagara Falls. It was really nice, but seriously, how long can one person stand and watch water falling before they get seriously bored? Well for us, it was less than one day. So we hopped in the car and headed for Boston. J was sick all that day, so I wound up driving the Massachusetts turnpike all on my own. It was one continuous construction zone and down to one lane nearly the whole way. I was a nervous wreck. J was just certain that there would be tours of his beloved Boston Garden (he was a HUGE Celtics fan). We trekked all the way downtown to the Garden one afternoon. When we arrived, there was one security guard out front and no sign of any tours. We asked the guard about it, but he told us that no one was allowed inside. There were no tours.

Now one thing about me is that I might not stick up for myself, but nobody messed with J ever. I would tear up the world for him.

I look over at him and see that he is totally crushed. So I tell the security guard literally in one continuous breath:

"Look he was sick all day yesterday and I had to drive the whole entire Massachusetts turnpike downhill through construction all by myself with 18-wheelers baring down on my bumper all day and I have severe anxiety and was terrified and he had to peel my white knuckles off the steering wheel and then we rode the subway all the way in from Natick and we've never been on a subway before so we didn't know if we would be murdered or robbed at any moment because we are from rural Tennessee and we don't have subways in rural Tennessee but they are pretty cool and who knew they would be safe and clean and we came all this way because J worships at Larry Bird's feet because LB is the greatest basketball player of all time and we LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Boston it is so amazing here and the people are so nice we would move here if we could because it is the best place on earth couldn't you please just let us in for like 5 minutes we swear we will never mention that you let us in and we will not go beserk or do any damage he just has to at least go in because we might not ever get another chance ever again oh please I have money and we rode the subway and everything just for Larry Bird pleeeeeeaaaaasssseee."

And the security guard melted like ice in the desert. He let us in.

We got to walk down on the actual parquet flooring of the one and only Boston Garden (the old one that was torn down). I looked at J, and he had the biggest smile I've ever seen. It went from ear to ear. He looked like a little kid standing there looking up at all those championship flags above the court. I could have died right there at center court and been happy for all eternity. I knew what that meant to him. We were going in there if I had to whack that guard on the head to do it. Luckily, he was a sucker for a crazy woman with a pitiful story.

Anyway, there's no real point to the story. Just a nice memory that sprang to mind. That's now making me cry.

I'll just move on to the music now. I really wanted a happy song today, so I found this one. I had forgotten how much I really like it. It doesn't get much happier than a beat up old car loaded down with chickens.

Stay Back. I might have "New Money"...

Welcome Saturday Night Losers.

It has come to my attention that I forgot about the meeting last week. Sorry about that. I'm sure it wasn't because I was out having a life anywhere. I'll do better. Hugs?

Actually, I'm warning everyone to stay back. Stay far, far back. The allergies continue to rage on (in spite of medication), and today I have total Larry-gitis (that's "laryngitis" for all you non-speech path majors). I can't speak above a whisper.

So tonight, I get this frantic e-mail from my Mom (she's a new computer user). She wants to know if she should open an e-mail that says "SPAM" on it. So I e-mail her back immediately and ask what else does it say (in the title of course). She e-mails me back and says to be careful because my allergy attack could easily turn into "new money" (that is exactly what the e-mail said).

For real?? Let me run outside and breathe in some ragweed right quick. I could use some cash about now.

Did you figure out what it means yet?

That's Mom-speak for "pneumonia". She also told me to be sure to drink a lot of fluids, so that I don't get "dehydoration". I should keep a list of the best Mom-speak words and phrases. Dad and I have been cracking up for years over the things she says so innocently that turn out to be a riot. Mom is a natural-born comedian who has no clue that she is so funny.

So stay back. Stay as far back as you can. I think I might be coming down with the "New Money" that is if I don't dehydorate first.

I still have last night's song stuck in my head. Well, the only cure is to kill it off with another song. And this one will kill it for sure. You might as well have it stuck in your head too.

(Public Service Announcement: Mungo Jerry and I do not encourage drinking and driving. I know that's what they said, but I feel sure they know better now that the 70s are over.)

Achoo!! Pardon my sneezes and my burning question...

It's all about the sneezing today. People coming in and out of my office today thought that I was in there crying. It was just my eyes watering up so badly from these blessed allergies. I don't remember ever having them this badly. I feel like hell. My ribs hurt from all the sneezing.

It was a pretty good day otherwise. Had dinner with my parents in honor of Dad's birthday. And then just laid around the rest of the evening downloading apps for my iPod. I'm really bored with my iTunes playlists lately. I'm ready for something new. But what? That's the burning question.

I decided to go into the cassette drawer and see what was lurking around in there from the past. I found: Adam Ant, The Gap Band, The Jets (WTH was I thinking), Luther Vandross (ooh, I love me some Luther), Lindsey Buckingham, Roy Orbison, lots of Hall and Oates (I had a little obsession with Daryl Hall for awhile), Huey Lewis, The Blasters (my housecleaning music), and Thompson Twins - just to name off a few. Still nothing's really grabbing me.

Maybe I just can't find any music because I already have a song stuck in my head at the moment. You know how you just get songs stuck in your head sometimes? Why does that happen? Well, this one has been following me around for a few days. It's making me crazy.

I'm a little grumpy. You got a problem with that?

I didn't think so.

I'm having a mood. Actually, I'm having a raging allergy attack, and at the moment, I feel pretty dang sorry for myself. It's times like this that I miss J the most. When I felt bad, he would always say "you poor baby" and then spend the evening doing all kinds of things to make me feel better (yes, even THAT - you gutter minds.)

Anyway, now I just sit here and pout and feel sorry for myself. But on the bright side, I have medication. My 3 best girl friends have gotten into those Get-to-Know-You e-mail things that go around and around a zillion times. I get one like every couple of days asking random things like "What's your favorite sound?" The most recent one I got asked "How do you relax?" So I replied "I take pills. Lots and lots of pills." They thought I was serious. But then I left the one blank about whether I had ever been skinny dipping and nobody believed that I hadn't. I might as well go ahead and do it if everyone thinks I already have. I was holding back for nothing apparently.

But anyway, about the pills, I was just joking. Really.

I got sidetracked again. I'm not feeling well, and I miss J something fierce. So it got me to thinking a lot about love tonight. In my whole life, I've only ever really loved 2 men: J and Peter Tork of The Monkees. Now follow along because I swear to you, this is all completely and totally true. Nearly my whole life, I've had one MAJOR CRUSH on Peter Tork. Every single person in my life who really knows me knows this one thing for sure. Nobody teases me about it because they know that I honestly have undying love for the man. And he actually does know that I exist (which I'll get to shortly). So my friends in college used to say that I would never be happy until I either got Peter Tork for myself or someone exactly like him.

The crazy thing is that I did! The first time I ever laid eyes on J, I looked at my friend S and said "I know that guy. I swear I know that guy." She said "you should, he looks exactly like Peter Tork!" I about passed out on the spot. She was right! J did look exactly like him - same face, same eyes, same build, same smile, same hair - right down to the bowl haircut. My other friends said "good lord, you have to have him."

Seven months later, thanks to the help of my wonderful meddling friends, J and I were absolutely inseparable. I was head over heels in love from the first date. He even had that same sweet innocent quality that Peter had. It was nuts.

He thought it was hilarious. He would kiss me sometimes and say "that was from me, not your other man." He was always such a good sport about it too. He even took me to see The Monkees in concert. He laughed and laughed when I ran out into the aisle and screamed to the top of my lungs "PETER! PETER! I LOVE YOU!!!!" And was thrilled for me when Peter actually looked over at me to see what crazy woman was screaming at him (this is how he knows I exist on the planet). Last year, I got a little package in the mail from one of my internet friends in Missouri. When I opened it up, it was a pack of photos she had taken of Peter Tork. She met him in person and didn't take photos for herself. She took them for me. Nice close up photos. She said he wasn't very nice. Oh well, 30+ years of crazy women taking your picture and screaming at you would probably make any man a little grumpy, so I cut him some slack. J's first reaction was "surely I'm not going to wind up looking like that at his age?" LOL. J put up with a lot of craziness out of me, but he loved every minute of it.

So tonight in honor of J and Peter Tork, the music is by The Monkees. Technicially, the first song was made without Peter and Mike Nesmith, but I still like it anyway. It's my favorite Monkees song. The second just has some nice photos of Peter in the video. It's a really good song too.

And just in case he should happen to be reading this, I still love you Peter. Call me, I'm available. I don't think J would mind.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, the answer to the favorite sound question is the sound of glass breaking. I'm crazy for it. Sometimes I just break stuff, so I can hear that sound.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!

Wireless Routers and Def Leppard

One thing you should do before your loved ones die is WRITE DOWN ALL OF THEIR PASSWORDS somewhere. I wish I had. You will too when nothing in your life can be accessed any more.

My J had passwords on EVERYTHING. Even the passwords have passwords. There's all kinds of firewalls and security things. We have more security than Ft. Knox. I'm surprised he didn't have the toilets password protected. If he had thought of it, he would have tried it I'm sure.

I have inherited all his computers and all their security measures. I have absolutely no idea what any of it is. The computers are hooked to little boxes that have flashing lights - some green - some blue. I don't know what they are. I'm afraid to touch them. I did finally figure out which one was the cable modem. Eventually I even figured out how to restart it without calling the cable company first. At the moment, I'm searching for a Wireless Router. I'm pretty sure it's here somewhere.

A lot of times J tried to explain all this stuff to me, but I would just glaze over and nod and say "ok" at the appropriate times. I should have listened. I should have paid attention. Now I have no clue what to do. Luckily, I'm not too stupid, so I can google and there are manuals here. I'll figure it all out one of these days. Either that or I'll just unhook it all, take it to the dump and start over.

Go now, and write down all your passwords to EVERYTHING. Make copies of the lists and put them in different places. Someday, someone will die when you least expect it, and they'll take all the passwords with them if you don't write them down.

So where does Def Leppard fit into all this?

They don't. I was just in the mood for some Def Leppard tonight.

Here's some music to keep you company while you're writing down your passwords (2 songs):