Out on the Ledge All Day

Dang, this was a hard day. J's family is stirring up trouble again.

SIL sent me a snotty e-mail a few days ago. So I finally replied to her and just told her straight out what I thought. Then she replied and backed off. She's needs to mind her own business and quit being so bossy.

But then I decided to just go ahead and call J's mother this morning from work. That way I have an excuse to get off the phone quickly. I figured she was mad at me about something (she always is), but I was wrong. She was really, really sad. I felt terrible for her. She had somehow gotten it in her head that nobody had tried to save J the day he died. I didn't realize that no one had actually told her what really happened. So then I had to re-hash the whole entire story. It was so hard to have to tell it again and then to know she was having to hear it basically for the first time. I have my problems with the woman, but I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on her ever. It just kills me to know that someone else feels this too.

I had a little meltdown after the phone call and cried a little while. Sometimes it helps to cry. Sort of like it relieves the pressure a little. But I've been pretty much weepy all day. I miss J so badly. It's really been hitting me hard this week for some reason. Maybe I'm just tired? I woke up at 4 a.m. sitting in front of the computer. I had been in bed. I'm not sure how I got in front of the computer. I think I'm sleepwalking now. I know that the Ambien comes with a warning that some people have gotten up in the night and driven. Scary. Maybe I should hide the keys?

Anyway, I haven't heard from Mr. Charming in a couple of days. I decided not to e-mail him to let him wonder where I am for a few days. Sort of a test, I guess. So far he is failing miserably. He hasn't e-mailed or called or anything. In the last e-mail I sent him, I told him I was feeling bad and maybe getting sick. He didn't even reply to say hope you feel better or to even check to see if I was ok. That's pretty inconsiderate I think. Definitely a strike against him for sure. J would never have done that. He would have been on the phone offering to bring me chicken soup.

When we were dating, he got really sick and had to spend the night in the hospital. I slept on a cot by his hospital bed that night and took care of him. I would never have just ignored him when he was sick. You take care of people you care about.

Mr. Charming is a lot of work, and I'm just having to wonder if I'm really up to it? I wish I'd stop going back and forth about him. Maybe that's telling me something if I'm never sure about him?

When J and I were dating, I was never unsure about him. From date #1, I knew we'd be together, and he did too. It was so easy. The one time I had to put so much effort into a relationship it turned out awful. I actually have been mad at that guy for 20 years and only recently we spoke and patched it up. Mr. Charming reminds me a lot of him too. Oh mercy. That's not good.

I know I'll never find another J ever again, but any new guy should come with a few qualities that are must-haves. Must be: not judgemental, considerate, kind, consistent, appreciative, protective. That's just a few. So far, Mr. C gets a few considerate points.

I don't know. I'm still wishing for that big bus to mow me down frankly. I'm just tired and rambling...and grumpy from him failing his test.

But I'm really liking this song since yesterday. Hope you do too. The audio quality is not the greatest here. The song sounds much better than this. It's "It Just Takes One" by Addison Road.