As Heidi Klum says "One Day You're In, the Next Day You're Out"

And guess who is out today?

Mr. Charming. That's who. I thought about it all day yesterday and all day today. Then I got an e-mail from him tonight. I e-mailed him and basically told him "forget you and the horse you rode in on". I should have known better, but I was a dumb girl and fell for a little flattery. I told him that the Thanksgiving visit is off. I really don't want to hear from him any more.

All he really wants are my words. He doesn't want me. The weird thing is that my words ARE me. How can you separate the two? I certainly don't see how. It must be a man thing, I'm thinking. If you reject one part, aren't you rejecting the entire package? Oh actually, I see. He likes my mind, but not the rest of me. Shallow. Very very shallow.

Frankly, it's just too much to deal with after what I've been through in the past 4 months and WAY, WAY too soon. I am not selling myself short for anybody. I'd rather be alone for the next 40 or 50 years than to just settle for whatever scraps are thrown my way. Love me, love my crazy life and everything that makes me who I am. You don't get to pick and choose the parts you like and don't like.

I think it would be different if I hadn't had almost 20 years with my J. See, he loved me just the way I am - flaws and all. He even thought a lot of the flaws were endearing. Nothing ever changed the way he loved me. It wasn't something I had to earn. It was just how he felt. How can I ever settle for less than that? I know. It's some big shoes to fill. Maybe nobody is up to it or ever will be up to it? I don't know. I just know that I'm not going to have anyone make me feel like I am not good enough. It's about time that I start standing up for me and doing what is right for me. It may sound selfish, but I've never once done that in my whole life until now. Of course, it hurt a little bit to send that e-mail to Mr. Charming, but not much more than pulling off a band-aid. Once it was sent, the pain was over. Like I always say, I've lived through much worse than this.

It is a good thing to know that honestly, I'm just not ready to be out dating. It's way too soon. I see that I still have a lot of unresolved feelings and grief to work through. Thankfully, the grief support group starts next week. I'm hoping that will really help a lot.

So for now, I'm just going to focus on getting myself back together, getting through this grief, and my upcoming vacation - and maybe even a plan for the future that only depends on me and what I want for once.

I found a great song the other day. Seems like it might be a good day to share it with the universe.