This is a letter to J so just skip on by...

Dear J,

Here I am up at midnight. I can't sleep anymore. I have nightmares about you almost every night. Could you please just visit me in my dreams without scaring me half to death? Could I just see you smiling and happy for once? I haven't had any dreams like that. I'm starting to worry that you're not ok wherever you are. Do you miss me? Is that why you look so unhappy in my dreams?

I think a lot about all the stuff we were going to do and now we won't ever get to. We were supposed to go back to Alaska this year. We were going to put a porch on the house and get to 100 geocache finds and finally get your office the way you wanted it. What about all that stuff J? I can't do it by myself. I don't want to do them with anyone else but you. I miss you. What about sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs when we're 80? You said you were going to start calling me "Maw" when I turned 80. What about our 25th wedding anniversary. You said we'd go back to Charleston for our 2nd honeymoon. What about all that stuff? Are you sad about that stuff too?

I think about death every single day. No, not making it happen. Just that it's such a big part of my life now. Nobody understands. Nobody wants to hear about it any more. They're worn out on it. I'm worn out on it too, but I never get a break from it ever. I feel like I've been picked up and set out in the middle of the desert. Nothing around for miles and miles.

This time last year, you were here and planning your next tv show. Get this. You're getting some kind of award or something tomorrow from the tv station. I'm not going. I didn't know that's why they invited me to the board meeting or I would have said I'd go. It's probably best that I don't go anyway because I'd just cry and make everyone feel bad.

I'll let you know what you get Sweetie. That's really nice of them. They've been very good to me these past 8 months. Dang, I just realized. It will be 8 months exactly tomorrow. Feels like yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time.

I decided that I wasn't ready for all this dating crap. I'd only be looking for you and that's not fair to anybody. I have work, school, friends, and my family and H, K and BW too. I think maybe I'll try to get the house decorated once and for all. Dad hung some of our pictures up for me. I finally got that big metal sculpture thing up on the wall. It only sat in the dining room for 3 years. I completely forgot about January 20th. It slipped right by me. It was our 4th anniversary in this house. I can't believe we've been here 4 years already. Seems like it was just the other day we moved in. I never see S anymore. I don't go over there and look around like we used to. I can't drive by Herbie G. It makes me cry so hard.

What am I supposed to do with our wedding rings? I'm wearing them now, but I guess I can't wear them forever. I should have just let you keep yours on. But for some reason I just had to have it. I still have that stupid bottle of Gatorade in the fridge. Your last one. I can't seem to throw it away. I know it's gross, but it's not moldy or anything. It's your last one. I can't even throw out a stupid Gatorade. Pieces of paper with your handwriting is killing me. I can't throw them away. I feel so guilty for it.

I still have your voicemails. Sometimes I forget they're on there and I'll listen because I got a new one and then your voice comes on. And just for a minute, I am so happy because you left me a voicemail. Then I remember. Sometimes I call up the voicemail just to hear your voice again. I can look at your pictures now. I'm ok with that. I don't know about videos. I was going to watch our wedding tape again, but just looking at the box is too hard right now.

I wish I knew where you are. Everyone says you're in Heaven. I don't know. Seems to me like you're in-between there and here somewhere. I'm in between here and Hell somewhere. Probably closer to Hell than here most days.

It's 12:30 now. I have to be up in 6 hours. I'm late to work every single freaking day. I just can't seem to get myself together. I can't fall asleep and then when I do I can barely wake up. It's like I'm in slow motion all the time. And then I'll be getting ready for work and wind up crying and I gotta stop for that. I hate it.

I gotta go to bed.

I miss you Sweetie all day and night. I love you.

All my love forever,

Mrs

I have a boyfriend apparently

Mr. C is gone. Mr. Plumber turned out to be an immediate fail.

But all is not lost. Please welcome my Facebook Boyfriend to the story.

I'm completely serious. Apparently I have attracted an admirer on Facebook. He sends me dozens of things each day. I get roses, chocolates, teddy bears, jewelry - all kinds of things all day long. He sends me little notes. The other day one had his phone number in it. Who is he? Well, he's a guy I met on a web site.

Oh shut up. Everybody meets people on the internet these days. It's not like I'm on e-harmony or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But being the raging lunatic magnet that I am, you have to know the whole story. This isn't just any guy. This guy is way older. He's really sweet, but he's just not what I'm looking for (of course, what I have come up with so far hasn't been all that great so who I am to judge.) But anyway, he today he sends me something called "Valentine Love". So I innocently click on it to see what it's about. Sneaky little app! It was a picture of two bears hugging and said "Bear Hug". But when I clicked on it, it sent one right back to Facebook Boyfriend. Oh my stars! I'm trying not to encourage him, but this is like digging the hole you're standing in. Now he thinks I'm hugging him back.

So he sends me this thing today that tells more about him. Turns out he's a recovering alcoholic, is manic/depressive, has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and some other condition that I can't remember right off.

My friend, T, asked me if I was going to cut him off. I told her no. What if it caused him to fall off the wagon? I don't want to be responsible for ruining someone's sobriety. Besides, it's the only attention I get these days. It seems harmless enough for now. If it escalates, I'll tell him I have an STD or something to scare him off.

What is it with men these days? My new friend, M, seems to be only meeting men who have ED (you know what it is don't act like you don't) and want to discuss it with her. T is only attracting men who can't eat and talk at the same time because of a throat condition and who send her emails that say nothing else but "checking email". I'm getting the ones who are too lazy to do their taxes or are the poster boys for the DSM 3 manual. I never even got past one e-mail with Mr. Plumber. He is completely terrified that he will commit a sin - any sin, so he's anti-everything. No wonder he's 49 years old and never been married. He probably thinks it's a sin to sit next to your wife in the same building.

Nutcases and freaks. Is that all the choices have come down to? I personally have given up. I'm going to focus on school and on getting my house in order. If I meet someone that's halfway normal, then ok, but I'm done with the freaks.

Maybe getting a dog isn't such a bad idea after all.

I'm exhausted...

The insomnia is back, and this is time it brought a friend. Nightmares. I'm not sure exactly what has stirred up this round of "I can't sleep, I dream" (it's an REM song in case you're wondering). The counselor says it's too much turmoil in my life. It's triggering the PTSD which manifests as insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks, loss of appetite, depression and scaring easily. Oh goody. My most favorite symptoms!

I've had crying spells too, so much so, that I actually had to ask for help yesterday to get one to stop. I'm absolutely exhausted.

The nightmares are all about J. I keep having variations on the same theme. He comes back. Sometimes he's alive and never died. Sometimes he's still dead but here for a few minutes. Always, he can never remember me or our life together, and he never wants to stay. He wants to go back to being dead and being wherever it is that he is. Sometimes, he comes in the house and just walks around like he's looking for something. I follow him around, but he ignores me. Sometimes, I see that he's been here when I was out. I see little things like he left the water running in the bathroom sink or a light was on or things have been moved around. Sometimes, he just comes in and stands beside the bed and looks down at me with these big black empty eyes. There's nothing in them. It's like looking at the shell of someone I never knew. I get phone calls that they made a mistake and he is alive. Then they call back and say they made another mistake and he is really dead. Sometimes, he's just moved out and left me. I try to call him to beg him to come home, but I can't get to the phone. When I finally reach it, I can't get the call to go through. I try and try and try until I wind up sobbing on the floor.

Maybe if I say them (sort of) out loud. It will make them go away. I don't know. I'm just so tired. I took the Ambien to try to get some rest, but I'm still up two or three times during the night and having nightmares. I thought the Ambien was supposed to knock you out??

I think that right now the shock is really, really wearing off. I think I'm just now starting to really feel the grief. I've sort of ignored it for awhile. I just don't let myself feel it because it's too big and too heavy. But now, it's like I have no choice any more. Something's making me feel it whether I want to or not. I feel so tied up in knots all the time. I want to run away, but where would I go that this wouldn't follow me? There's no where to go but straight through it.

I had a panic attack in the Car of Rage today. I had to pull over for an ambulance that was rushing by. Suddenly, I was back in the ER. The doctor was holding my hands and telling me that he was sorry all over again. It wasn't really happening. It was in my head, but it seemed so real. Like I was really there and not in the car. My heart was pounding. I had to get out of there. I tried to run. I actually tried to run. But I was in the car pulled over on the side of the road. I stepped on the gas and lurched forward, and it shocked me enough that I realized where I was. I finally had to pull into a parking lot to get hold of myself. They call that a flashback. It's so real. I could swear in that moment I was not in that car. I was standing in that ER with the doctor. It was as real as anything could be. I know it's crazy. It's my mind playing tricks on me. It's the trauma tormenting me all over again.

The counselor is right. There's just too much turmoil lately. I'm done with men. They are too much trouble right now. I've got my class coming up and my house to get back in order. My family is a whole 'nother story. The parents aren't getting along. Mom is making me crazy. I came home from work the other day to find a note that said "I re-arranged your closet." I just put everything back from the last time she did that. Every morning I have to play "Guess where my clothes are". It's MY house. She's needs to just stop. And the in-laws are still at it.

IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.

I just need some freaking sleep more than anything.

I'm sorry to tell you. You have been elminated.

It would only be better if Phil Keoghan himself said it for me.

Mr. C is OUT. Period. The end. Oh, this is way too good not to add it to the story.

He calls me today. Again, he is soooo busy. Aren't we all? I'm worn out on that lame excuse. He sounds like he is doing me a favor by calling. He says "Oh, I could have texted, but in the time it would take me to type it out, I could just talk to you in person. That's so much better." Whatever.

Anyway, I can hear that he is obviously in a car.

Now take a second, and think about it. What comes next?

Yep, you guessed it. I hear a woman's voice in the background - very clearly. He can't ignore it, so he says "I'm with a friend. We're getting the car inspected to get insurance on it." So I said "ok". Then he says "You remember S, right? I'm tagging along with her today. It's her car, and she's getting it inspected."

Let's see. Of course, you know I know who S is, idiot. She's YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND. You know, the one that broke up with you only 9 months ago. Yeah, he's just tagging along. I'm so sure. So I say "oh really", and he tries to brush it off. You are so busted. Don't even try it. I was born at night, but not LAST night. Seriously, you think I am that stupid?

Anyway, then he says to me. I'm so busy. I've been under the gun trying to get my taxes done. I'm under such pressure. (Really? I can't imagine how you can make time to tag along with S to get her car inspected if you're so busy.) I have to get them done right away because I DIDN'T PAY THEM LAST YEAR!

What the hell?

Then he says "oh yeah, I'm a procrastinator." Wait. Are you telling me that you just didn't pay your taxes last year because you are too lazy?

I wish I could make stuff up that is this good. I'd be way richer than J.K. Rowling. Unfortunately, this is my real life here.

"Can you pray for me?" It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. Meanwhile, S is over there talking away to him. I can't make out what she's saying exactly. I think I heard her say hurry up once or twice though.

Why yes, I'll pray for you. I'll pray that you completely disappear off my radar. I'll pray that you stay far, far away from me. I'll pray that I've learned a really good lesson and next time I'll be smarter. How about that? No, I'm not going to pray for you to get your delinquent taxes done. You should have done them in April like everyone else did.

I hope S has lots of bail money for you or that she won't mind having her conjugal visits down at the Federal prison. You're all hers. Have at it.

And here's another thing. Didn't he just tell me that he was traveling on business for the next 3 weeks. He's supposed to be in California today. But he's out with S? Lie, lie, lie. Just another one in a long line of them. He doesn't even try to keep them all straight. He just lies and goes right along like no biggie.

He says "I'm leaving for California in the morning. I'll call you when I get settled there." Don't bother. You see after we hung up, I deleted all your e-mails, your photos, all your texts and your phone number. Or better yet, do call. You're going to get a big surprise when I don't answer and I don't text or email you back. Will you even wonder what happened? Will you give it even more than a passing thought? Or did you call me today to let me hear S's voice in the car with you on purpose?

Yeah. That's what I think too. Loser.

The story takes a turn...

So, for what now? Three months? We have been following the comings and going of the ever elusive Mr. C. I had a text from him on Tuesday night from the airport and not another peep since. Am I freaking out over it?

Nope.

"Why not?" you ask.

Because of Mr. Plumber. That's why not.

Welcome to the story, Mr. Plumber. Mr. Plumber is someone I met a few months ago. He's very nice and very sweet. We talked a couple of times, but it was minor. Hardly worth mentioning. Suddenly, he shows up again, and I pay attention this time. Let's just say that when Mr. Plumber is around I never think of Mr. C at all. I thought Mr. C was all that and more. No, no, no. Mr. Plumber showed me that he isn't.

So, hopefully there will be things to write about Mr. Plumber now. We'll see. The story is just getting started.

I'm doing all right, I think.

It's Thursday night, and here I sit. I should be freaking out. But guess what?

I'm NOT!!

Yay me. LOL. No Mr. C didn't call tonight as usual. He did text me from an airport during his layover on Tuesday night. How nice. Whatever. I'm starting to work him out of my head finally.

Of course about the time that I get that accomplished, he'll call everyday.

So, I'm happy because I got my big box of art supplies for my class yesterday. I wish I could express just how much I love markers, pens, pencils, sketchpads, ect... J would be thrilled for me. He knows how much I love that kind of stuff.

I miss my sweetie so much. I had a terrible dream about him last night. I dreamed that he hadn't died, but he had just moved out and left me. I wanted to call him and beg him to come back home. I tried and tried to get to the phone, but I couldn't get to it. When I finally did, I dialed and dialed, but I couldn't get the call to go through. I was standing there holding my cell phone crying my eyes out. Then I woke up.

All I really want in the whole world is J back. I would trade everything I have and all the days of my own life to just have 5 minutes with him again. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him one last time that I loved him. I never got to thank him for all the things he did for me - all the times he took care of me, held my hand when I was scared and my hair when I was sick, killed creepy crawlies for me, made me laugh so hard that I cried, drove me across the country, taught me how to love, let me take in every stray animal that came our way, and a gazillion other things. I wish he knew that.

It hurts so much I can't breathe.

I did much better today...

My new attitude and plan worked out pretty well today. I kept busy all day. I went to work out after work. I wore out the treadmill today! I walked really fast (almost running) for a half hour. Then hit the stationary bike for 3 miles. Came home and did some laundry, ate dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, tried to watch some tv. And then I answered an e-mail from a new friend I just made in the past couple of days. He's a widower. His wife only passed away 2 months ago. He's happy to find someone who knows what it's like. I know how that is. That's what I wanted two months into this - to find someone else on the earth who understood. He's very sweet - the way he talks about his wife is so endearing. He obviously loves her very, very much. Hopefully, we can be some help to each other. It's always good to have friends.

I did get a text today from Mr. C. It was all about him as it always is. I have no idea where he is. He's supposed to be traveling for work for 3 weeks. He texted to say that he still hadn't received his travel orders and it was very frustrating. I'm sure it is. I told him to have a nice trip when he eventually gets to go and to hang in there that I'm sure it will work out somehow. At least I had some sort of communication from him right? I didn't sit around and wonder and worry about him all day. Men are supposed to be the hunters. Well, he's going to have to hunt to find me. I'm going to be very scarce for awhile. I'm going to be busy having my own fabulous life.

I just wish I didn't have feelings for him. It would be a lot easier to write him off. Sigh. Stupid caveman.

Back up the truck again...

I think I have it figured out now.

I'm really not stupid. I just very, very lonely. I miss my J so much it's hard to breathe.

I realized last night that when I'm out with friends or busy doing something that I don't even think of Mr. C. It's when I'm all alone at home that I think about him and babysit the phone in case he should happen to call. And I freak out over why he does or doesn't.

It's sad, I know. I'm not normally like this in my real life.

I was never like this when J and I were dating. I didn't wait around for him to call and analyze his every word and action to see what he meant. We just had fun. I did my thing. He did his, and then when we got together or he called it was amazing.

THAT is what I want back. Not some life where I sit and wait breathlessly for someone to throw me a bone. My favorite lyric from Stabbing Westward's song "Save Yourself" is "If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone."

Exactly.

So why the change suddenly in my attitude? Well, I had quite the day yesterday. I was so torn up over Mr. C and why hadn't he called that I was actually nauseated. My parents came up to the house to help me out a little. Dad took my car to get the oil changed. Mom did some cleaning and picked up a few groceries. Did I go with them? No, oh no. I was too nauseated from worry to go. They didn't know that. They just thought I was sad again. So I did the worst thing imaginable. I texted Mr. C. I SWORE to myself I wouldn't, but I did the very thing I swore I wouldn't do. Just like Paul (Paul in the Bible).

So after about 15 minutes of agonizing eternal silence, I get a phone call. Of course, that's what I wanted all along right? He was his usual very charming and sweet self. But this time I heard the words and recognized the lies. I didn't just make an excuse for him and let it go by. I didn't call him on them. It was enough just to hear it and realize finally that he's sitting there lying to my face. Funny thing, the nausea went away immediately.

So then last night, I went over to an old friend's house. We used to work together years ago. I hadn't seen her in years. We went to see the movie "Bride Wars". During the movie, I realized that my problem is that I am very, very lonely. I should be out with my girlfriends painting the town red, dancing on tabletops, putting cash in some man's g-string or something. I should be having fun. I should be emjoying the pieces and parts that make up my life. I hugged my friend and told her that I was so sorry that I hadn't been a better friend to her. That maybe now I can make up for it. She's going through her own set of internet man troubles. We compared stories and wound up laughing hysterically at each other's dates.

When I got home, I stood out in the yard and looked at my little house. I felt like home when J was here. For the past almost 8 months, it's felt more like prison. It needs to be changed. It needs to become MY home now, not our home. I think I'm ready for the changes. I also looked at my little house and saw it in a new way. I was thankful, very thankful to have it. I went inside. I saw my kitties, H and K. H has been driving me up the wall lately. He's everywhere I go, in my face, on my head, under my feet. He sleeps on my shoulder or on my hip at night. I scooped him up in my arms last night and kissed his little head. I saw him for the first time in months last night. I know that doesn't make sense, but it does to me. It's like my eyes have been open, but I'm not seeing. Last night, I started to see again.

You know after I did that. H stopped being so clingy. Last night he slept at my feet. Maybe he was trying to tell me something? Maybe he was trying to tell me to pay attention to my life and all the things in it.

I feel so much better today. I have a plan. I'm going to stop thinking about Mr. C all the time. I'm going to get up and work on this house to make it a reflection of me. I'm going to go wild with my girlfriends and tear up the town. I'm going to work really, really hard on my class. I'm going to be happy at my job. I'm going to love my family. I'm going to sit on my deck and enjoy nature and the changing seasons. I'm going to one day have someone who loves me again. And I won't have to sit and worry over whether he will call or why he hasn't or what he said. Because he will want to call and see me because he does love me.

I have no idea what Tubthumping means. I hope it's not something nasty. I just like this song because I feel the same way. "I get knocked down, but I get up again."

Not only am I stupid...

I make things way worse too. Wound up finally talking to Mr. C on the phone. We kept getting cut off because of the bad signal. So he texted me that we would continue our conversation another time.

Then I texted him something that I shouldn't have. I told him I had missed him when he was gone. He just texted back "Ok, sorry about the weak cell signal."

Yep, that sealed the deal. He is not interested.

Ok, but if he is not interested then why does he tell me that he loves me? I think maybe he is psycho. I'm not sure who is worse - Me or him.

I need to move to Australia I think.

It's official. I am stupid.

The past three months I have been all over the place about Mr. C. I know that anyone who would ever read all this would have seen this months ago, but apparently I am completely stupid.

Still no word from Mr. C. He's been back from Africa for 2 days now and nothing - not a phone call, no e-mail, no text. At the bare minimum, he could take one minute out of his day to text to let me know he is alive at least. No, I don't even rate that.

He tells me how much he cares for me and all this stuff (yes, he even says love), but then he doesn't even have the decency to let me know he is back safely? No, that is not love - at least not the kind that I want. J would never have done that. He would have called to tell me he was home no matter how busy or tired he was. I can cut Mr. C some slack for one day, but not two.

I don't know how I will handle it if he ever does call. I think that I should just be honest and tell him that he can't call me any more because it hurts too much to know that he is lying to me and leading me on. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had never once laid eyes on him. I have wasted 3 whole months on someone who basically treats me like a pet dog just throwing me a bone to keep me happy. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I feel so stupid.

I don't know how I am ever supposed to trust any man any more. I keep hearing stories from other women how the guy they were seeing did the same thing to them. They just brush it off. Men...Poof! But I can't do that. I gave Mr. C part of my heart. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

What kind of man would play games like that with someone who lost the love of their life only 7 months ago? He's worse than evil.

I'm sure I will survive this. I survived losing my J forever. I surely will pull out of this too. It's just going to hurt for a little while. I wish I could say that I won't cry about it since he isn't really worth my tears, but it's too late.

I already am.

I hate crying over him when he's been such a jerk. My heart was barely being held together as it was, and now he's gone and broken the last bit of it.

I don't understand how someone could just play with another person's feelings like that. I would never treat someone like that.

Sorry, no cruise talk tonight...

I just came home from a long evening of getting my head on straight. I saw my counselor after work. (Yes, I see a counselor. They just don't let crazies like me loose in the world without one.) She's really great. She kicks my butt when I need it, cheers me on when I've done well, and drags me up out of the gutter when I can't do it for myself. I'm not sure how I would have survived without my counselor.

And then tonight was the Grief Support Group. What a bunch of misfits! There's only 2 people in the room who actually belong together, and they're newly married (previously widowed/widowered and starting a new life together). The rest of us are as different as daylight and dark (as my Grandma would say). Except that we have this one massive thing in common, all of our spouses have died. I'm generally the one with the most recent loss. We've had a few come and go who've had more recent losses, but they haven't been around in awhile. It really helps to get together with them to talk and cry if you need to or be angry. It's all ok there. You feel how you feel, and that's ok. Everybody's been there and done that, so no one judges you or makes you feel weird. If you're crying, they will hand you a box of Kleenex, and let you have at it. Then they'll dry your eyes and hug you and hand you a plate of cookies. It don't get much better than that.

When I have nights that I see the counselor and go to group, I usually come home completely exhausted. Grief is hard work.

But I think I've turned a small corner. I feel now like I'm ready to start making some changes in the house. I'm not ready to get rid of J's things yet, but I am considering the possibility of collecting some of the smaller things and making a memory box to keep them in. I'm thinking of re-arranging things and painting the walls, buying new curtains and maybe even putting down some hardwood floors. At least, I'm starting to feel like making changes. Everyone said that is a good sign. Of what, I'm not sure. Maybe healing, I guess?

Didn't hear from Mr. C today (who is supposed to be back from Africa today). I think that he could have at least taken one minute out of the day to just text and say he was home and alive. But that's just me having expectations that are too high. I am learning that I can't expect anything with him. And that is not a good thing. Do I really want someone who I can't even expect the smallest things from? Maybe the paint is not the only thing that needs changing around here.

I know I've been saying that for a long time, but for some reason, I feel differently about it tonight. Before, I would be mad or freaked out, but tonight I just feel sorry for him that he is going to keep screwing up until he misses out on someone who could be really great for him and with him. I think he might be surprised to find a new attitude when or if he ever does get in touch with me.

The embedding for this video was disabled. I hate when they do that. It's a great song though. "Saved by Zero" by The Fixx. I had a massive crush on Cy back in the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q6WkK9k7Hg

The Cruise: Part Two

Sorry, I got sidetracked last night with being exhausted. I wound up snoozing in the recliner for a couple of hours and then I went to bed. I hate evenings like that. I feel like I'm a hundred and ten.

Let's see. I think I got up to the 23rd. So we left Miami and sailed straight into the storm and had a terrible night which brings us to the next day.

Tuesday, Dec. 23:
So Dad wakes up very early. He gets ready and heads up to the Cafe for breakfast. Mom and I eventually wake up and immediately wonder where in the heck we are. All we can see from our window is crashing waves, dark grey sky and rain. We were supposed to be in Nassau by 6 a.m. So Mom and I are sitting there looking out at this dismal scene when all of a sudden this little boat comes into view. The waves are just tossing it around like crazy. It's coming closer and closer. We're thinking the crazy thing is going to hit us. So it pulls up next to the ship right under our window! We sit there watching it and after several minutes, it moves away from us and takes off. We look at each other like "that was weird". I notice as the boat is leaving that it says "Pilot Boat" on the side of it. So we go back to getting ready (showers, etc...). Mom says "Look! We're here." I look out, and we can see land. We see this cute little lighthouse and rocks. Then we see another cruise ship docked and more land. We both hurry up and finish putting on makeup and stuff. A little while later, we look out again. We see another cute little light house. I'm thinking that it looks awfully familiar. Then Mom says "I don't remember the Bahamas having so much land." So I say "You know, I think that was the same lighthouse we passed before. I think we're going in circles!" Mom says "Oh no, it had to be different." So we head on up to breakfast. When we sit down, Dad says "I just heard some of the staff talking. We're circling Nassau." See Mom! I told you we were circling the island! Just then the Captain comes on the loudspeaker and says that the winds are too high for us to dock, so we're going to circle Nassau for awhile. And also, that a person was sent out from the island to help him dock the ship (a-ha - that explains the Pilot Boat).

Unfortunately, the winds never die down. We circle Nassau for 3 1/2 hours. Finally, they decide to give it a try. We had to wait on another ship to dock before us which slowed things down too. Thankfully, they manage to get the ship docked without any incidents. But we are sitting up on Deck 11 in the cafe, and we can see the palm trees are nearly bent completely over from the wind. We start to see passengers leaving the ship. They look like they're about to be blown away. So we decided that we may as well go join them.

We left the ship and walked over into Nassau. It's a cute place - very colorful and vibrant. We did a lot of shopping (mostly looking and not buying though). We took a ton of photos and tried our best not to get blown off the map. A few of the people in Nassau were really pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer. Some little boy followed me down the street and into a shop trying to sell me some homemade buttons. I appreciate his enthusiasm and entrepenurial spirit, but you have to know when to back off if a customer isn't interested too. Saw a few police that I wouldn't want to mess with. They looked very serious. Saw one soldier too. I wouldn't mess with him either. Nassau was cool. I absolutely loved: the flowers everywhere, the cute little shops, the way the shopkeepers walk around the store with you to "help", the way the people speak (it sounds like music), how everyone on the street honks their horns all the time, the generally laid back atmosphere (no one seemed to be in much of a hurry), and most of all...the store "Purses of Nassau" (I told the shopkeeper that I must have died and gone straight to Heaven to be in her shop and she smiled so brightly that I took home a Coach bag - my first one - Sigh - wiping away a tear of joy).

Anyway, we had to be back onboad by 5:30 for the Captain's big announcement on what we were going to do next. Mom and I had a scrapbooking class on the ship that afternoon, and we walked around taking photos on the ship of anything and everything. (I took almost 1000 photos on the entire trip.)

At dinner that night, the Captain announced good news and bad news. The bad news was that we weren't going to go to the private island tomorrow. The good news was that we were actually going to be able to leave Nassau (there was a possibility that we were going to be stuck there for another day due to the storm). The best news of all was that we were going to Key West! Hooray! That had been completely dropped from our itinerary. We were so disappointed, but now we were going to go anyway! So during dinner, we set sail for Key West. Now last night was terrible, but this night turned out to be completely horrible! The storm got worse. The rocking of the ship got worse. We could barely stand up and get back to the room. We hadn't much more gotten into the room until Mom hit the bathroom and lost her entire dinner and lunch from earlier. Poor thing was throwing up and throwing up. Then Dad says that he doesn't feel so good. The two of them crawl into their beds and turn on the Ozzie and Harriet marathon on the ship's tv channel. Well, me, being the party animal that I am, wasn't ready to go to bed. So I went down to see the evening show. Unfortunately, I could only find a seat on the side of the theater. The sides were where the rocking of the ship was the worst. By the time the show was over, I was so dizzy and starting to feel sick too. I dragged myself back to the cabin. I was sore from crashing into walls and various people along the way. Everyone was having a terrible time trying to stand up and walk. I finally made it to my bed and crawled in. I never did throw up, but I really wanted to! All night long, I kept bracing myself to be thrown out of the bed onto the floor. But I have to say that the rocking motion of the ship was nice to go to sleep to - after I got my stomach back under control.

Tomorrow: Part 3: The Key West Day

Here's your sneak preview: Sharks!!!!! Sharks!!!!!

I'm so ready for Mr. C to get back from Africa. I've read his last e-mail to me like a dozen times tonight. One more time, and I think I'll wear the words off the screen. I so promised myself that I wasn't going to get all excited. That went straight out the window.

Technically, the Baha Men are from Miami, but the song makes me think of Nassau.

The Cruise: Part One

So, I promised I would write about my adventure on the high seas. Here's installment #1:

Friday, Dec. 19:
We left around 11 p.m. and drove all night to my parent's house in Florida. I-75 is basically torn up between Macon and Valdosta in Georgia. It was a rough ride through there.

Saturday, Dec. 20:
Arrived at the parent's house early that morning. Now normally, Florida is the Sunshine State, but on this day it was all FOG - all day long. The land around the parent's house looks like a jungle. It was kinda' creepy being in the jungle and the fog. I kept expecting the Creature from the Black Lagoon to step out of the fog. It never burned off like it does here at home. We were all tired, so we basically slept all day. That night I decided that I should start wearing my seasick patch. So Mom put it on me at bedtime.

Sunday, Dec. 21:
I woke up with double vision, dizzy and barely able to stand up. The seasick patch was wreaking havoc on me. I went back to bed and tried to sleep it off. The fog disappeared finally, and it turned cloudy and windy. So much for the promise of sunshine and beach weather. Mom and Dad decided it would help me to get some air. So we drove out to the beach. It did help, but it was cold, cloudy and windy. It's hard to enjoy the beach when it's so yucky out. We drove around a little while and went back to the house. I was starting to feel a little better by then.

Monday, Dec. 22:
Up very early. Feeling very nauseous but not dizzy nor seeing two of everything anymore. Hit the road to Miami to get on the ship. Stopped to do some shopping along the way. Arrived at the Port of Miami around 1:30 p.m. I was left out by the curb in front of the Port building to watch the bags while Dad parked the car. When he didn't come back after several long minutes, Mom went to see about him. I snapped a few photos of the Port of Miami building while I waited. Then some people came up and posed to take a photo right where I was, but this BIG MEAN and very SERIOUS security guard came up and yelled at them that photos were not allowed here. Yikes, I guess he didn't see me take some or he would have yelled at me too. I stashed my camera in my pocket and tried to look very innocent. I did sneak a few more photos with my cell phone and sent them to friends back home. Finally got the parents back on track and went to check in. Went through security. Mom and I made it through with no problems. But poor Dad set off the alarm and had to be hand searched. He kept setting off the hand scanner even after he emptied his pockets and removed his belt. We were starting to worry that he wouldn't be allowed to board. Finally the security guy just gave up and let him go. I guess Dad looked pretty harmless and innocent. We went up to our room and put our stuff away. Then went to lunch. After lunch, we walked all over the ship and took a bunch of photos. It was a spectacularly gorgeous day out - absolutely perfect glorious weather. Then around 4 p.m. (about 2 hours after we boarded) the wind started to blow. By 4:30, the wind was blowing so hard that you could barely stand up out on deck. It turned cooler. The sky turned into this massive wall of black clouds out over the ocean. You could see other ships already out in the ocean. They were in a serious storm! At 5 p.m., we left the port and sailed right out into the middle of the raging storm in the ocean! All that night, the ship rocked and rolled. You could barely stand up and walk. You'd take a step and be thrown against the wall or knocked into someone else. Sitting at dinner was an experience. We never lost anything off the table, but we had a few close calls. We went to the show after dinner, but then immediately went back to our cabin and to bed. It was a pretty rough night.

That's enough for now. Come back for Part Two tomorrow.

I'll give you a little sneak preview:

The storm rages on. It gets worse - a LOT worse.


So I'm thinking it's got to be around 9 am in Africa about now. Wonder what Mr. C is doing? I wonder if he remembered to take his camera. He had wanted me to go with him on this trip, but I was already committed to the cruise. Sigh.

Before I left, we talked about how far apart we will be when I was in the Bahamas and he was in Africa - about as far apart as two people can be from each other. I wonder what will happen when he gets back home.

Been listening to this song a lot lately and yes, making myself a little miserable. Love KT Tunstall. She understands.

I didn't fall off the earth, but I got very close.

I haven't been around for awhile because I've been on a cruise to the Bahamas and then spent a week in Florida.

We had the absolute worst weather on the cruise. It stormed and stormed. The winds were 45 miles per hour in Nassau. We had to circle Nassau for 3 and half hours before we could dock because of the high winds. It was quite the trip!

I'll write more later about the whole trip. I'm pretty tired right now. Got home yesterday afternoon and dashed in the house long enough to shower then off to a New Year's Eve party. I got home around 2 a.m. and finally went to bed around 3:30 a.m. So I'm a little tired. LOL

Mr. C is in Africa. No, I'm not being sarcastic. He REALLY is in Africa. He left on Christmas Eve and will be back next week. I texted him from the ship to say I made it to Miami safely and to wish him a safe trip. He texted back and wished me the same. I decided on the cruise that I was not going to go back to the way things were before I left. You know - He's all wonderful, I fall for it, He gets quiet, I go nuts. I decided I was just going to concentrate on my own life and if he is around then ok. If not, then ok too.

When I got home, I was going through my 300+ e-mails and found of all things - an e-mail from Mr. C sent to me just before he left for Africa. It was very sweet. He was writing to make sure that I knew exactly when he would be back and that I would still be around (as in writing/e-mailing/texting).

This is not going to be easy, is it?

Happy New Year,
L