Lighten Up Already

You know what nature's way of telling you to lighten up is?

Gray hair.

(I know. I butchered the grammar, but that's how I talk.)

I know it's hard to believe, but I'll go ahead and confess it anyway.

Sometimes, I take myself a little too seriously. Gasp! Shock! Horrors!

I really need to lighten up. My graying hair has reminded me of that today. Just when you are all happy with your hair and the color - WHAMMO! Those pesky little gray hairs start showing up again, and it's time to re-do the color.

It made me think that maybe I need a re-do on my attitude and myself too. I take things way too seriously. I worry and fret over the minutia of my life. And I usually wind up screwing up when I do. I let little things get blown out of proportion. I have no balance. When that happens, that's when all hell breaks loose.

I don't mean to really. It just sort of builds and then it explodes one day. The only times J ever got so frustrated with me that he couldn't see straight were the times that I would just explode. Normally, I am not one to have a temper. I more of the hold-it-in-until-dam-bursts kind of girl. Well, it was the times when the dam burst that J would get aggravated with me. He'd always say "Sweetie, just tell me what's wrong to start with. Don't wait until it builds up so much that you explode." I wish I could tell him that it's better now, but it's not.

Ok, here's what all this random mumbo jumbo is about. I got this e-mail today from Sister-in-Law (SIL) when I was at work. She says that Monster-In-Law (aka Mother-in-Law) had tried to call me, but no one answered and the voicemail never picked up. She really, really needs to speak to me. So if I can't be bothered to pick up the phone, she says "May I suggest that you have your Mother call MIL?"

Man, when I read that, I saw red flash before my eyes. I may have sprouted horns for a moment. Oh no, she didn't just say that. I actually thought to myself "How bad would jail be really?" Free dental care. Nothing to do all day but read books and write. Free jumpsuits. Maybe learn to make license plates. I could do jail maybe. Then someone walked in and snapped me back to reality. I could never actually kill SIL no matter how much I hate her at this moment.

Here's what I really want to say, so I'll just write it out here in a safe place. I know SIL would never read my heathen blog. I might say hell or ass or damn it. Her ears would fall off her head if she read those words coming from me.

So here's what I really WANT to say to SIL and MIL (but won't):

You know SIL whether I answer my damn phone is up to me. Maybe I feel like it. Maybe I see your number or MIL's number on the caller ID and suddenly I don't feel like it. Either way, I am under no obligation to answer the phone just because it rings. It does not control me. I am not Pavlov's dog. Ding. Salivate and answer the damn phone.

For another thing, I have no control over the mechanics of voicemail. You know how voicemail works? Do you? I'll tell you how.

It's freaking MAGIC.

It just happens. I have no idea how it works. I have no control over when calls go to voicemail or not. Maybe MIL didn't stay on the line long enough for it to connect to the voicemail. Maybe it just didn't take. You see the point is - it's out of my control.

And for yet another thing, if the phone call is so flippin' important, why didn't she call back a second time? Wouldn't you? I know on the day that J died I called my parent's house around 50 or 60 times trying to get them on the phone. It was IMPORTANT. I kept trying. I didn't call once and assume that they are avoiding me. Then sat around and pouted about it for days. If it's IMPORTANT, call the hell back.

And for even yet another thing, NO you may NOT suggest that my mother call the monster. Because for:

1. It's none of your business;

2. you're being a real B about a phone call;

and

3. You think my mouth is foul? Honey, don't make me let Mama loose on you. She will tear you up one side and down the other. You don't want Mama getting involved. Seriously. She will beat you like your Daddy should have. Nobody messes with Mama and lives to tell about it. She is a mean woman. I saw my Mama chase down a moving vehicle once. I am not kidding. I heard my Mama tell some woman one time that she would be glad to take it out to the parking lot and that she would stomp her ass. That's my Mama.

So no, you don't need to suggest anything. Seriously.

What you need is a good dose of shut the hell up and mind your own business already.

But see if I actually said that, it would start a war like war had just been invented for the first time. It would become this unstoppable force in the universe. Planets would line up and collide. It would trigger mudslides, wildfires, earthquakes, volcanoes, plagues and famine throughout the land. People would be sitting out in fields waiting on the Lord to come back. Gas prices would go above $10 a gallon. Life as we know it would come to an end. I'm not kidding either.

So instead of saying all that and ending life as we know it, I will just take my gray hair's advice. I will lighten up. It's just a stupid e-mail sent by a stupid person. It really means nothing in the entire scheme of things. It's just words on a screen. Sticks and stones and all that.

But at least I got to say it here, right? I kinda do feel better.

I kinda like this song. I'm attracted to the colors and the flying couches, but what's with all the "hose" like things. Seems a little phallic to me. You be the judge.

Ooh, and it's Party Hits too. Wowza!