There's no way on earth that this isn't going to come out sounding just awful. But I've never let the prospect of putting my foot in my mouth ever stop me before, so why start now?
I just spent the last 20 minutes on the phone with the sweetest, dearest little elderly lady. She called to check on me. I had been on her mind. She was worried about me. God love her. I am telling you now that I sincerely from the depths of my heart appreciate it.
Ok, that said - here comes the truly horrible part. I'm so going to hell. There's really no way to avoid it any more, I think. She invited me to come and hang out with the other widows. And seriously, that would be fine except that they're all well over 70 years of age. It's not that I'm opposed to having friends of all ages. I think that would be wonderful - except that I'm starting to feel like I've been banished to the Old Widow Ladies Club. See, I told you. I'm going straight to hell.
Is that what life is reduced to now? I think that 3 months ago I had a wonderful husband and a wonderful life. I had fun. I had joy. I had... well, let's just say I was married. What is there to look forward to now? Knitting? Having tea and little cucumber sandwiches? Going to bed alone at 8 o'clock every night? Crossword puzzles in the TV Guide? Sigh.
My mom is one of those Red Hat Society Ladies. Well, she's not just one of them. She's the "Queen Bee" of them. You have to be 50 years old to be in the club. Mom, I love you, but please stop inviting me to come to all your activities. It's going to be awhile before I'm old enough for your club. I really don't want to wear a purple pants suit and a big red hat all over town. I'm not ready to hang out with the blue hair women. What I really want is to gouge my eyes out with a blunt instrument.
How is it that in one second you go from being in the Happy Married Club to the Old Widow Lady Club? Please, I would really like to know. I'm not sure how much more fight is left in me anymore. Everyday I fight to stay sane, to sleep, to get up in the morning, to carry on without J. I'm not sure I have enough fight in me to fend off being pulled into the land of the old.
Really, I'm not a horrible person. I honestly do appreciate that this lady called me and cares enough to want to help me. She's a saint. I definitely don't deserve her kindness. It's just that I'm not ready for all these changes. This can't be my life. I feel like I'm constantly having to put the brakes on before everything gets out of control and before I get drawn into some kind of life I don't want.
I'm not ready for the Old Widow Ladies Club, but I don't see how to fight it off any more.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment