Lower than Dirt

That's me. Lower than Dirt tonight.

You may as well know that I'm about to unleash on the blog tonight. So if you can't deal with it, get out now while you still can. This is my therapy. I'm not really talking to you. I'm talking to myself. So if I need to unleash, so be it. It's either that or I drive around with a baseball bat unleashing on some mailboxes.

I'm sitting here in tears.

I am so tired. I'm completely exhausted. I just want some sleep. I can't do this anymore. The insomnia wins tonight. I just took the sleeping pill. I had no choice. I'm barely dragging myself around. I have to sleep. It's been a week since I've slept more than two hours all night. I was so confused at work today that I started making more mistakes. I caught them before anything major happened. I got lost coming home tonight. I don't know where I was thinking that I was going, but it wasn't in the direction of home. And I didn't realize it for awhile. I was just driving aimlessly around town. The insomnia is starting to get scary.

I'm unbelievably sad too. I feel so alone. I swear some days I just don't think I can go on anymore. The loneliness is like a giant hand that has grabbed me and is pulling me down into a dark, dark hole. I'm hanging on to the top just by the tips of my fingernails. Today, I feel like letting go - just letting the darkness swallow me up. With my luck, I'll live to be a hundred and ten. Years and years and years of nothing to look forward to and no one to share it with. Tonight I had to go help out at this big event in town. I was helping at the kid's part of the event. It wasn't anything major. I was just giving out stickers and bookmarks to the little kids. I loved seeing all those sweet little faces so excited to just get a little sticker. I should have been happy, but instead it just made me ache for what I don't have. I would give anything to have a child of my own. I know. I'm in no shape to be anybody's Mom right now. I can't even sleep without pharmaceuticals. But I still wish I could be someone's Mom. I don't know if I'd be any good at it, but I know I would love them more than everything. I wish I was somebody's wife too. I know I'd be a lot better at it this time around. I would love with every fiber of my soul. No holding back. And I wouldn't take him for granted not for one single minute. I can say that because I know how it feels to have it and lose it. If I got lucky enough to find it again, I would move heaven and earth for him. Sounds desperate? Hopefully not. Hopefully, it sounds passionate.

I'm really, really angry too. Angry at J for dying and leaving me with all this garbage. The shrink says that it's normal to be angry at the person who died. Well, lah-dee-freakin-normal-dah. I need to pay someone every other week to tell me it's ok for me to be angry? Well, that just ticks me off even more. I'm angry because J doesn't have to deal with his family anymore. I do. He doesn't have to pay the lawyer to handle his business. He doesn't have to go shop for tombstones. He missed out on the whole "I'm so sorry" speech from the doctor at the ER. He didn't have to go pick out a casket and decide what clothes to dress me in for all eternity. He didn't have to stand there and look at me all laid out in my casket and want nothing else but to crawl in beside me. He didn't have to hug and talk to the line of people four hours long non-stop at the funeral home. People waited up to 2 hours in line just to talk to me. You missed all that J. It was really, really hard. Oh yeah, and then there was that whole SECOND funeral too that you missed J. You don't have to sit here day in and day out with all my stuff everywhere and not know what to do with it. You missed our anniversary, my birthday, July 4th, Labor Day, and let's see I think tomorrow is actually the 100th day that you've been gone. That just pisses me off. What are you doing all this time J while I've had my life ripped to shreds? Oh yeah, you're just being dead. And no matter how hard life is, you still just keep on being dead. I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of it.

I'm so confused and so vulnerable right now. I don't know if I am seeing things as clearly as I should. I can't explain exactly what I mean. It's just that I don't know if I trust my own judgement at this point. I feel like I could make some bad decisions very, very easily.

I really just need some sleep. I'm sure I'll feel a lot better once I get some. I'm actually starting to feel the sleeping pill working.

I think I can come down off the ledge now.