I got it bad...

I really do.

I am EAT UP with these bug bites (Southern expression). One person at work thinks it might be chiggers. I don't see how you can get chiggers just sitting on a deck. Don't you have to be out in the weeds or at least in the grass to get chiggers? All I know is that these bites are everywhere, and they itch like crazy. I was scratching like a hound all day today. And I even carried Hydrocortisone with me to work, but it didn't help. I might as well have just been spreading ketchup on me. I think the bug bites were liking the Hydrocortisone. By the way, I looked it up on the internet, and chiggers do not actually burrow into your skin. So thanks for trying to creep me out today L (not me L, another L). Nice try.

Did I mention the bug bites are kind of hot to the touch? Does that mean they're infected? I don't feel so good now.

Anyway, today was a better day (in general) despite the fact that I broke the promise to myself AGAIN. I am truly pathetic. And what's worse, I broke it before I even got to work this morning. I hate that I have no willpower. I hate that I don't want to have any willpower even more. Ok, tomorrow, I will just turn the phone off as soon as I get in the car. I will not answer the phone. I will not answer the phone. I WILL NOT answer the phone because I can't answer it if I don't hear it, right? A few days of that should get me back on track again. Let's hope.

Today was the first day of the "No Wimps" Workout. It freaked me out a little to see just how quickly sweat happens. Seriously, I lean a little bit more to the girly-girl side, so sweating is way out of my comfort zone (unless it's a Michael Hutchence kind of sweat lol). Twice around the track and 5 minutes into the stationary bike, I was sweating like a Ho in church. We biked for 10 minutes, then went to the Elliptical machine. It kicked my butt and took my name. That thing HURTS! I mean it. I'm getting back on it thursday for sure. I'm not letting some assembled piece of metal kick my butt and take my name. It's standing between me and my clothing bonfire. Nothing is keeping me from having my clothing bonfire (dig a hole in the yard, lay clothes in hole, set on fire - sound familiar?).

I have to say that the guys (MG and J) made it fun, and they tried to teach me how to do some things. I felt bad for them because I am a horrible student. I have no aptitude for copying movements and such. I see how you do something, and it looks easy. But then I try it, and it's in reverse of what I just saw you do. Then I get all confused. Plus, I'm not 20 something years old any more. I do well to walk and chew gum at the same time. I'm a natural klutz too. If it's on the ground or anywhere near my feet, I will trip on it. Ask the Sports Medicine Doctor who dealt with my broken foot all last summer.

Also, I have to say that the weight room freaked me out more than a little. I walked by this one guy who was straining so hard that he was all red and looked like he might pop a vein at any minute. He was yelling something that sounded like GRRRRR or some kind of gutteral man sound. There was WAY too much testosterone in that room. And it seemed really disorganized with all those big huge weights lying around everywhere. I was afraid one might fall on me or me on it. It was a kinda overwhelming and scary (and smelly). I don't think I want to go back there ever again.

I'm looking forward to going back on thursday for the other stuff though. I'm not sore at the moment, so either:
A. I didn't push myself far enough

or

B. It hasn't hit me yet.

The biggest surprise of all is how much the exercise has improved my mood and the depression. I was really struggling this afternoon. But by the time we left the fitness center, I had forgotten all my woes (not the bug bites) and was feeling pretty happy. I'm still feeling pretty good. The shrink was right. She said exercise would help. I'm sure it will make her all gloaty to know that she was right. (Gloaty? I made up another word.) Maybe exercise helps your vocabulary too?

The only thing is that I couldn't stop thinking about my J and how many times we said we were going to exercise and eat better. I just wonder if he'd still be here if we had actually made an effort to do those things. I feel so guilty over it. I should have made him take better care of himself. I mean he was active and not overweight, but I feel so terrible that I didn't take care of him enough. I should have made him go to a cardiologist for a full evaluation. I just didn't think he would really drop dead one day. The guilt just eats me up inside day and night. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not pushing him to take care of himself better or for not taking care of him myself. I feel like his death is my fault.

But anyway, it was a good thing to go get some exercise.

So I was looking for some music for tonight that might go with the whole workout theme. There were some obvious choices that I could have picked, but let's think outside the box, shall we?

How's about a little "Sweat" by Tool? (Don't watch the video. It's pretty bad.)