I am NOT getting another dog already. So shut it.

Will you people please let it go?

Honestly, I do not understand why everyone thinks I need another dog. I must look unbelievably miserable and lonely, I guess.

On Sunday, my friend K tells me that she has found me "the most perfect puppy in the whole world". Who is she kidding? I've had puppies before. I know they are far, far from perfect. Big W failed puppy kindergarten twice. The only thing he learned was that getting in the car means I get to go eat snacks. Nice try K. I'm not getting another dog. (I swear I just typed god again and had to fix it.)

Then today my work phone rings. I pick it up and say "hello, this is L." I hear this sunny voice say "Well, that just answered my question - I have the perfect dog for you." What? It's my friend S. She was checking to see if I was still depressed. I didn't think I was. I was having a pretty good day actually. So she goes into this long description of how wonderful this dog is. Then I ask "What kind of dog is it?" And she says "it's part Labrador Retriever and Great Dane."

GREAT DANE?? Are you out of your freaking mind? So I ask "Which part is Great Dane?" (not really wanting to know the answer as much as I was just being a smart ass). "Ha, Ha, very funny L. You NEED this dog. He is such a sweetheart." I NEED this dog like I NEED another hole in my head - like I NEED Bubonic Plague.

People, I know you care about me. I know you want to see me happy again. Another dog will not make me happy. Having J back would make me happy. He was not exactly the same thing as a dog.

READ MY LIPS: I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER DOG. (I just typed god again. What is up with that?)

Moving on now. So I e-mailed my new He-friend back today. I think I'll call him Mr. Charming instead of my He-friend. It just sounds a little nicer. We were talking about our most embarrassing stories. I won't tell his since he didn't send it out to the universe. He only sent it to me. But I told him about the time that my hair caught on fire at my friend's wedding. (No, I didn't just make that up. Who could make something like that up?). I can't wait to hear what he has to say about that. Surely any woman who is willing to tell you the sordid details of her hair fire at a public event is a keeper? Or he might think I'm some sort of fire bug nutcase. If that's the case, then it doesn't matter how wonderful he is - I wouldn't want someone who didn't appreciate the ridculousness of that story. My life is all about the ridiculousness. J thought it was hysterical. He laughed and laughed about it. He teased me unmercifully about it. That's why I was so crazy in love with him (and still am). The man knew how to appreciate the ridiculous.

Love me, love my crazy life. That's just how it works. You can't be afraid. I'm just one of those girls who's hair might catch on fire at any moment. It takes a special kind of man to appreciate that.

I know. I know. You want details.

Ok, long story short:

1. 1980's
2. I had BIG HAIR.
3. BIG HAIR requires lots of AquaNet to well...keep it BIG.
4. Serving punch at the wedding reception.
5. Leaned over a little too far.
6. Didn't see the candle.
7. POOF!!
8. Smoke and sizzling (I'm serious)
9. Guests are yelling "Someone's hair is on fire"
10. Someone is me.
11. Ran to bathroom
12. Looked in mirror
13. BIG chunk of BIG HAIR is missing!
14. Mortified.
15. Cry for 3 days. J laughs for 3 days. God love that man.

The end.

So there's the story. It's way more interesting in paragraph form, but that might take another hour to write.

I'll leave you with a little fire bug music. Really, I should be smacked for this one. But I'm just snarky like that. LOL.

Happy Birthday Mom! I love you. And to the Yard Apes: "Oh, Elvis, I love you!"



Lord have mercy, I love Elvis. You HAVE to have my favorite Elvis song in the whole world. Go ahead and stick like glue, Elvis baby.