Pain. Lots and Lots of Pain.

I had no idea one human body could have so many pieces and parts that could be in pain all at the same time.

The workout tonight was killer. I moved up a level on the stationary bike. This time there were hills. I went 12.5 miles uphill the entire way. At mile 3, I wanted to quit. At mile 7, I wanted to die. Did I give up? No. I'm no quitter. I used to be a quitter, but I don't anymore - not since J died. The one and only thing I know for sure about my life now is that I don't give up.

After the bike, it was back up on the elliptical beast. I was doing all right until the guy next to me hopped on his and went crazy. It was like he was running for his life on that thing. I was exhausted just watching him. Seriously, if you can run like crazy on an elliptical machine, do you really NEED to run on an elliptical machine? I don't know. I'm a beginner. Maybe that's how it works.

Then I had a lap around the track, 5 sets of ab roller things, and a lap on the treadmill. I am whipped. I'm so tired and so in pain.

For some reason the exercise is not helping my mood tonight. Maybe it's just that I'm really tired, but I'm so, so sad. I miss J something awful tonight. Maybe it has a lot to do with the new season of Survivor starting back tonight. J and I always watched Survivor together. He really got into it and would sit and talk about the show for an hour after it went off. Tonight there's nobody to talk with. I miss his enthusiasm. I miss his never-ending strategizing. I miss his analyzing every word and action on the show. Funny thing is that when he was here, all that made me crazy. Most of the time I didn't even really listen. I'd just nod and say "yeah" at the appropriate times. And now I'd give everything just to have to sit and listen to it again.

My J was a very hyperactive guy. He was constantly in motion - constantly talking. He was probably the loudest person on the planet. He talked loud. He sang loud. He ate loud. He was just incredibly noisy. The silence has been probably the most difficult thing to adjust to since he's been gone. It's so dang quiet here now. I swear sometimes I can hear my own thoughts out loud. I keep the tv or some kind of music going all the time now just so I don't have to listen to the silence.

I feel the grief monster coming on. Yep, the tears just started up. I hate this so much. There's nothing else to do but ride it out. It goes away eventually. I just have to cry it out. Monday will mark the 4th month that J has been gone. I can't believe I haven't seen him in 4 months. How can that be possible? I won't ever, ever understand it. I think God Himself will have to explain it to me.

Anyway, there's lots of pain tonight, and it's not all physical. Pretty much all of me hurts - inside and out.

Tonight the music is all for my J. Ain't no other man like you.