Sorry, no cruise talk tonight...

I just came home from a long evening of getting my head on straight. I saw my counselor after work. (Yes, I see a counselor. They just don't let crazies like me loose in the world without one.) She's really great. She kicks my butt when I need it, cheers me on when I've done well, and drags me up out of the gutter when I can't do it for myself. I'm not sure how I would have survived without my counselor.

And then tonight was the Grief Support Group. What a bunch of misfits! There's only 2 people in the room who actually belong together, and they're newly married (previously widowed/widowered and starting a new life together). The rest of us are as different as daylight and dark (as my Grandma would say). Except that we have this one massive thing in common, all of our spouses have died. I'm generally the one with the most recent loss. We've had a few come and go who've had more recent losses, but they haven't been around in awhile. It really helps to get together with them to talk and cry if you need to or be angry. It's all ok there. You feel how you feel, and that's ok. Everybody's been there and done that, so no one judges you or makes you feel weird. If you're crying, they will hand you a box of Kleenex, and let you have at it. Then they'll dry your eyes and hug you and hand you a plate of cookies. It don't get much better than that.

When I have nights that I see the counselor and go to group, I usually come home completely exhausted. Grief is hard work.

But I think I've turned a small corner. I feel now like I'm ready to start making some changes in the house. I'm not ready to get rid of J's things yet, but I am considering the possibility of collecting some of the smaller things and making a memory box to keep them in. I'm thinking of re-arranging things and painting the walls, buying new curtains and maybe even putting down some hardwood floors. At least, I'm starting to feel like making changes. Everyone said that is a good sign. Of what, I'm not sure. Maybe healing, I guess?

Didn't hear from Mr. C today (who is supposed to be back from Africa today). I think that he could have at least taken one minute out of the day to just text and say he was home and alive. But that's just me having expectations that are too high. I am learning that I can't expect anything with him. And that is not a good thing. Do I really want someone who I can't even expect the smallest things from? Maybe the paint is not the only thing that needs changing around here.

I know I've been saying that for a long time, but for some reason, I feel differently about it tonight. Before, I would be mad or freaked out, but tonight I just feel sorry for him that he is going to keep screwing up until he misses out on someone who could be really great for him and with him. I think he might be surprised to find a new attitude when or if he ever does get in touch with me.

The embedding for this video was disabled. I hate when they do that. It's a great song though. "Saved by Zero" by The Fixx. I had a massive crush on Cy back in the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q6WkK9k7Hg