It's official. I am stupid.

The past three months I have been all over the place about Mr. C. I know that anyone who would ever read all this would have seen this months ago, but apparently I am completely stupid.

Still no word from Mr. C. He's been back from Africa for 2 days now and nothing - not a phone call, no e-mail, no text. At the bare minimum, he could take one minute out of his day to text to let me know he is alive at least. No, I don't even rate that.

He tells me how much he cares for me and all this stuff (yes, he even says love), but then he doesn't even have the decency to let me know he is back safely? No, that is not love - at least not the kind that I want. J would never have done that. He would have called to tell me he was home no matter how busy or tired he was. I can cut Mr. C some slack for one day, but not two.

I don't know how I will handle it if he ever does call. I think that I should just be honest and tell him that he can't call me any more because it hurts too much to know that he is lying to me and leading me on. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had never once laid eyes on him. I have wasted 3 whole months on someone who basically treats me like a pet dog just throwing me a bone to keep me happy. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I feel so stupid.

I don't know how I am ever supposed to trust any man any more. I keep hearing stories from other women how the guy they were seeing did the same thing to them. They just brush it off. Men...Poof! But I can't do that. I gave Mr. C part of my heart. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

What kind of man would play games like that with someone who lost the love of their life only 7 months ago? He's worse than evil.

I'm sure I will survive this. I survived losing my J forever. I surely will pull out of this too. It's just going to hurt for a little while. I wish I could say that I won't cry about it since he isn't really worth my tears, but it's too late.

I already am.

I hate crying over him when he's been such a jerk. My heart was barely being held together as it was, and now he's gone and broken the last bit of it.

I don't understand how someone could just play with another person's feelings like that. I would never treat someone like that.