I'm sorry to tell you. You have been elminated.

It would only be better if Phil Keoghan himself said it for me.

Mr. C is OUT. Period. The end. Oh, this is way too good not to add it to the story.

He calls me today. Again, he is soooo busy. Aren't we all? I'm worn out on that lame excuse. He sounds like he is doing me a favor by calling. He says "Oh, I could have texted, but in the time it would take me to type it out, I could just talk to you in person. That's so much better." Whatever.

Anyway, I can hear that he is obviously in a car.

Now take a second, and think about it. What comes next?

Yep, you guessed it. I hear a woman's voice in the background - very clearly. He can't ignore it, so he says "I'm with a friend. We're getting the car inspected to get insurance on it." So I said "ok". Then he says "You remember S, right? I'm tagging along with her today. It's her car, and she's getting it inspected."

Let's see. Of course, you know I know who S is, idiot. She's YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND. You know, the one that broke up with you only 9 months ago. Yeah, he's just tagging along. I'm so sure. So I say "oh really", and he tries to brush it off. You are so busted. Don't even try it. I was born at night, but not LAST night. Seriously, you think I am that stupid?

Anyway, then he says to me. I'm so busy. I've been under the gun trying to get my taxes done. I'm under such pressure. (Really? I can't imagine how you can make time to tag along with S to get her car inspected if you're so busy.) I have to get them done right away because I DIDN'T PAY THEM LAST YEAR!

What the hell?

Then he says "oh yeah, I'm a procrastinator." Wait. Are you telling me that you just didn't pay your taxes last year because you are too lazy?

I wish I could make stuff up that is this good. I'd be way richer than J.K. Rowling. Unfortunately, this is my real life here.

"Can you pray for me?" It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. Meanwhile, S is over there talking away to him. I can't make out what she's saying exactly. I think I heard her say hurry up once or twice though.

Why yes, I'll pray for you. I'll pray that you completely disappear off my radar. I'll pray that you stay far, far away from me. I'll pray that I've learned a really good lesson and next time I'll be smarter. How about that? No, I'm not going to pray for you to get your delinquent taxes done. You should have done them in April like everyone else did.

I hope S has lots of bail money for you or that she won't mind having her conjugal visits down at the Federal prison. You're all hers. Have at it.

And here's another thing. Didn't he just tell me that he was traveling on business for the next 3 weeks. He's supposed to be in California today. But he's out with S? Lie, lie, lie. Just another one in a long line of them. He doesn't even try to keep them all straight. He just lies and goes right along like no biggie.

He says "I'm leaving for California in the morning. I'll call you when I get settled there." Don't bother. You see after we hung up, I deleted all your e-mails, your photos, all your texts and your phone number. Or better yet, do call. You're going to get a big surprise when I don't answer and I don't text or email you back. Will you even wonder what happened? Will you give it even more than a passing thought? Or did you call me today to let me hear S's voice in the car with you on purpose?

Yeah. That's what I think too. Loser.