So I haven't written in a very long time - mostly because I've had myself one gigantic pity party for the past 6 months or so. Days go by when I can barely get myself out of bed. Some days I don't even try. I just stay put. I cry all day. I feel like I want to die a lot of the time. I drag myself to work. I put on the happy face for everyone because frankly, I feel like everyone is worn out on me and my grief.
I've grown tired and weary of the online dating thing. I jumped in WAY too quickly. I wasn't emotionally stable enough for that. I was just really, really lonely. All the guys have disappeared - Mr. Charming and whatever it was that I was calling the latest one. The latest one actually ripped my heart out, stomped on it and ground the little fragments into dust. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. And I hung onto him for dear life because it was less painful to be emotionally and verbally abused by someone who cares nothing about me than it was to feel this horrible pain of losing my J and the unbearable loneliness. How sick is that? Maybe not sick? Maybe just survival? I don't know. Anyway, I was not in my right mind because I would NEVER allow someone to treat me that way for even one second. That's not me at all. I let him shred every ounce of my self-esteem. I allowed him to make me feel worthless. I tried to be everything he expected of me, and it STILL wasn't good enough.
Basically, he turned out to be a narcissist. He really only cares about himself. He told me friday night that he was lonely. Boo hoo. Poor him. I sent him an e-mail and told him that the ONLY reason he is lonely is because he chooses to be lonely. He could make another choice - if he really wanted to. And he did what he does best.
He disappeared.
He always disappears whenever I say something he doesn't like or doesn't want to hear. He can't admit he's made mistakes (I sure made my share) because he doesn't think he's made any. He thinks its perfectly fine to treat me any way he wants, but I can't do the same to him. He told me over and over how he could flirt with anyone he wanted to, but that I was not allowed to. And somewhere in my screwed up brain, I started to believe that was the way it should be. I walked on eggshells around him for six months.
Recently, I started coming to my senses. Every person - EVERY person - in my life who knows him, told me to run as far away as I could get. EVERY one says he is abusive and controlling and mean. Why couldn't I see that? The last straw for me was meeting my new friend, D. Don't freak out - he is ONLY a friend. He knew this guy long before he knew me. His exact words to me were "L, he is an arrogant ass." And it was like someone turned on the light finally. This guy who I really respect a lot and who has become a true friend sat me down and told me sincerely how horrible this situation looks to him. And I finally saw it for myself. And I immediately put an end to it.
I run into this guy from time to time online. We have a lot of the same friends. It's a daily struggle to keep myself from emailing him or calling him. So far, I've only e-mailed a couple of times - both were in response to something nasty he had said or done. I need to stop it. I think that's his incentive to keep doing it - he manipulates me into contacting him. So from now on, I just have to kick the wall or scream into my pillow and then NOT email or call him.
In the meantime, while I've fought him off and had my pity party, my life has gone to hell. My family can't stand me. My friends are worn out on me. My grief group thinks I'm flaky. I can barely concentrate at work. My house looks like a herd of pigs have taken up residence inside. I think I have missed paying some bills (which I NEVER do EVER). I stopped exercising and gained some weight back. I quit going to church. Quit praying. Quit studying. I don't do anything but sit and feel sorry for myself.
I'm so tired. I just don't know if I have the energy to pull myself back up out of this. I really don't. I need help getting my life back on track, but I just can't even ask for it. If I ask my family, they will come in like bulldozers and take over, and I will lose control completely of everything. I know that for a fact. That's how my Mom operates. She only knows one way to help and that's to be 100% in control of everything. I can't ask my friends because I'm too embarrassed to let them know how bad it is. I can't get professional help because I just can't.
Rock. Hard place. It sucks.
The second year after death is so much worse than the first year. At least last year, I was walking around in the fog of shock and disbelief. Those have completely worn off now. All I have left is the reality and the heavy burden of knowing that J is gone forever. I'm so sad.
So unbearably sad.
Death sucks.
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